Disclaimers in Part One.
Mulder woke up earlier than usual. It was barely starting to get light outside. He tossed and turned, trying to go back to sleep, but couldn't. Sighing, he threw the covers off and stumbled out to the kitchen. Maggie was already up, sipping coffee.
'Morning, Fox.' She smiled brightly at him.
Mulder smiled back and poured himself a cup of coffee. 'And how are you today, Mrs. Scully?'
'Wonderful.' She said. 'I always sleep so well here.'
'I fell asleep pretty fast, which is odd for me.' He replied, scratching through his hair. 'But I woke up way too early.'
'That's because it's eight o'clock in the morning back on the east coast.'
Mulder snickered and nodded. 'And I'm supposed to be the deductive one.'
She smiled back at him. 'Going to try to surf with Alex today?'
Mulder shook his head, making a face. 'I have no grace.'
'Oh, I don't believe that.' She said. 'You should try it. He's up and out there before sunrise, every morning.'
Mulder paused, his mug halfway to his lips. 'He's up already?'
'Oh yes.' Maggie replied. 'He starts the coffee then runs out the door.'
Mulder eyed the open French doors. 'Scully up yet?'
'You just missed her. She went down to the beach a minute before you walked in.'
He hesitated, then couldn't resist and got up to walk out onto the deck. 'Excuse me.'
Mulder went to the railing and looked over. He spied Scully walking on the beach, towards the surf, and turned his gaze to the ocean. Krycek was out there, 'thrashing the waves' as Langly called it. After a moment, Mulder walked down to the lower deck.
*************************
Scully stood on the beach, waiting for Krycek to come out of the water. After putting it off as long as he could, he gave up and walked out of the surf.
She watched him approach her, carrying his surfboard under an arm. He was dripping with salt water and wearing a wet suit. She realized that she couldn't look him in the eye when he got close to her.
'Good morning.' He said, then waited for her to continue.
'Where did you go last night?' She asked, looking past him at the ocean.
'For a walk.'
Another minute of silence passed.
'Alex…' She began.
'It's okay, Dana.' Krycek replied.
'No, it's not.' She finally looked him in the eyes. 'It was wrong, what I did, said, whatever.'
'How can it be wrong, it's the way you feel.' He looked down at the sand between them. 'It's okay, I understand.'
'I don't know what to say.' She said, trying really hard not to revert into Agent Scully mode. The one where she was calm and in complete control. Alex had ended that Dana Scully and shown her a new one and she didn't want to let it go.
'I've been thinking.' Krycek said casually.
She could sense what he was going to say before it came out of his mouth. 'No, Alex.'
'I could stay close.' He said. 'I don't need to move far away.'
Scully searched his face. 'There's no reason for you to leave, Alex. It is your house.'
'I don't want to come between you and Mulder.'
'You won't.'
Krycek laughed. 'I already have. He will never forgive me and where does that leave you?'
'Why don't you let me worry about Mulder?'
'I've already got you in a heap of shit, Dana.' He said softly. 'Let me get you out of a little. Mulder will come and see you more if I'm not around.'
'Look here, Mr. In Touch With Everyone's Feelings. Can you feel this?' Scully reached out and took one of his hands and stared him in the face.
Krycek's eyes flicked back and forth between hers. 'Yes.'
'I don't want you to go.' She said again.
He stared back at her, then shook his head and looked away. 'I won't watch your relationship with Fox be destroyed because of me.' He let go of her hand as he walked past her.
'Alex.' She called to him, but he kept walking, not looking back.
Mulder withdrew from the railing of the deck, into the house as Krycek got closer.
He backed into the room and got busy lighting a fire as Krycek came up the staircase. He was confused about what he'd just heard and wasn't sure what to say to either of them about it.
Krycek walked into the rec room, dripping water all over the floor. He didn't care. Mulder looked up as Krycek searched the room for him. Their eyes locked and Mulder couldn't look away. He'd never seen eyes with so much emotion.
'You win.' Krycek said, and walked out of the room.
Mulder hesitated for a moment, then followed him up the stairs.
'What do you mean, I win.'
'I'm leaving.' Krycek said, walking into his room and standing his surfboard up in the corner. 'You win.'
Mulder paused, not sure whether he felt happy or guilty. 'Why are you leaving?'
'You heard.' Krycek replied.
Mulder winced inwardly, he should have known that Krycek would sense him on the deck. 'I heard a little, I still don't know what the hell's going on.'
'I guess it doesn't matter.'
Mulder looked up at the ceiling, letting out a breath. Didn't he want this to happen? Didn't he want Krycek as far away from Scully as possible? Hadn't he wished every death imaginable on his nemesis? 'I can't let you leave.' He said.
'You don't have much choice.'
'If you leave.' Mulder said. 'She'll never forgive me for chasing you away.'
'You're not chasing me away.' Krycek turned and looked him in the eye, his hands on his hips. 'I'm leaving because in the end, she will never forgive herself.'
Mulder was confused. 'What the hell are you talking about?'
'It doesn't matter.' Krycek turned his back on Mulder to look out the window. 'All I want is for her to be happy. If I leave, she'll have you.'
'She has me now.' Mulder said.
'Mulder, you live all the way across the country. You haven't called; you haven't been out to visit until now. It's been six months. Six months, Mulder. You don't think she hasn't questioned your relationship?'
'I did what I thought was right.'
'And I'm doing the same.' Krycek pulled a suitcase off the top of his closet.
Mulder watched him throw things into his bag. 'I thought Scully was the only person you've ever really cared about? I thought you wouldn't lose her because of me.'
Krycek didn't look at him. 'Things have changed.'
'Things have changed because of last night?' Mulder asked. 'What happened out there?'
'That's between me and Dana.'
'I don't know, Krycek, but it sounds like it's got a lot to do with me.'
Krycek suddenly looked up at him again. 'I just want her to be happy.'
Mulder sighed, hating to say it. 'It seems like she's happy here with you.'
'I am.'
They both turned to see Scully standing in the doorway.
Krycek stared back at her, his thoughts finding their way into her head.
You don't want to do this, Dana.
Do what, Alex? Tell the truth?
'This isn't going to work anymore.' He said aloud. 'Not after last night.'
'Well, we really can't pretend it didn't happen.' She said.
'Yes, we can.' Krycek replied.
'How can you say that?' Scully seemed a little angry.
'Because that was one moment.' He said, pointing out the window towards the beach. 'One moment compared to what?' He glanced over at Mulder. 'Eight years?'
Mulder looked between the two of them. 'What are you talking about.' He stammered. 'What are you talking about, eight years?'
Krycek and Scully engaged in the stare-down competition again. Mulder didn't know what to make of this because since he'd come back, they'd seemed so close. He didn't think they knew how to be angry with each other, but right now they appeared fairly miffed.
'Let's hash this out, right here and now.' Scully said angrily. 'Since this is about the three of us.'
'You're prepared to talk about this?' Krycek asked. 'Think about what you're about to do.'
Mulder held his hands up, for once not wanting to be in the middle of this. He could feel the heat in the room and wanted no part of their feud. 'I can leave, if you'd rather discuss this alone.'
'No, stay.' Krycek said, not breaking eye contact with Scully. 'I'm sure you're going to want to hear what I'm about to say.'
'Don't do this, Alex.' Scully warned.
He smiled before continuing. 'Last night Dana sensed that I was in love with her. Now she's trying to protect me.'
'That's not what happened.' Scully snapped at him.
'It's exactly what happened.' Krycek replied. 'She sensed my feelings, then told me that she could never feel the same way because she is in love with you.'
'Why are you doing this?' Scully raised her voice.
'I only want you to be happy.' He replied sadly.
'That's not what happened.' She repeated.
Krycek stared at her for a moment, then continued. 'It is obviously too hard for me to stay here because you will always feel uncomfortable with what I've said and I will always know that I can't have you.'
'That's not what happened.' She said again.
Krycek laughed in disbelief. 'What are you doing?'
Scully closed her eyes and lowered her head.
'You want to tell him your side, go ahead.' Krycek resumed his packing. 'Or I can just leave like I was planning and we can all forget about this little altercation.'
'Alex.' Scully said softly. 'Don't do this. We can work it out, it will be okay.'
Krycek smiled, shaking his head and trying to ignore the tears forcing their way into his eyes. 'That's a nice thought and all, Dana. But I think it's impossible at this point.'
'You know I'm telling the truth.' She said softly. 'You know what I'm talking about.'
'I know what you said was deluded.' He replied.
Scully stared back a moment, hurt. 'That's not true.'
Krycek quit packing and looked at her. 'You're telling me what's true?' He asked. 'I can feel almost everything you say.'
'Then you should already know.'
'No.' He gave a small smile. 'To quote REO Speedwagon, 'I don't believe it. Not for a minute'.'
'We need to talk this through.'
Krycek held up his hands. 'What is there to talk through?'
She couldn't look back at him; the three of them stood in silence.
'Away' by The Bolshoi started to play over KROQ's flashback weekend.
'…We're in love, let's be together…Happy times or heavy weather…Mother say's "today's a special day, so let's not fight okay"…'
Mulder once again wished to escape the heavy emotions in the room. They obviously didn't feel like sharing and he was getting irritated. 'If no one is going to include me in this, I'll be upstairs.'
Krycek and Scully completely ignored him, lost in their battle of who is the most stubborn. Mulder couldn't leave the room without uprooting Scully because she was still standing in the doorway.
'Think about it, Dana.' Krycek said, saying the next sentence slow. 'Think about what you're saying.'
'Why don't you let me worry about what I'm saying?' She asked, angry all over again. 'I can make my own decisions, thank you. I know what all this means to my relationship with Mulder.'
'What?' Mulder asked, finally willing to get involved.
Krycek ignored him. 'I don't want you to regret this later. And we both know you will.'
'Alex, again I say it: Let me worry about that part.' Scully shook her head. 'I'm not a child.'
'Scully, what are you talking about?' Mulder asked. 'What's going on?'
'Mulder.' Scully said softly. She didn't break her staring contest with Krycek. 'I think I need to speak to Alex alone.'
For a moment, Mulder wasn't sure that he had heard her correctly. The implication of those words was way more than he was prepared to handle. Those words spoke volumes to Mulder. There was a part of her life that he wasn't included in anymore. Something in her relationship with Krycek was important enough to send him out of the room.
Mulder had the uneasy feeling that she was slipping away. He had the feeling that it was too late.
Damn you, Krycek. Mulder thought. You were right.
'Maybe you should wait, Agent Mulder.' Krycek interrupted his thoughts as the song played on:
'…Innocence and lies don't make a perfect match…Leave your door unlatched…I know, what can be untrue…'
'I'll be gone soon.' Krycek said again, eyeing Scully.
'You would do this to me?' She asked angrily. 'After all we've been through?'
'I'm saving your relationship with the most important person in your life.' Krycek said, smiling bitterly. 'With a lot of sacrifice on my part. I wish you'd let me leave with as little pain as possible.'
'If anyone's going to leave,' Scully's face was harsh, 'it will be me.'
Krycek threw more clothes into the suitcase with disgust. 'Where would you go? Back to DC?'
'That's a good idea.' She snapped. 'I have been a little homesick.'
Krycek looked at her and uncharacteristically raised his voice. 'Don't be stupid!'
'I MUST be stupid!' Scully raised her voice to match. 'Look at the mess I'm in!'
'What?' Krycek asked in disbelief, narrowing his eyes at her. 'The mess you're IN?'
'Nothing wrong with your hearing.' She replied, her eyes on fire.
Krycek straightened up, putting his hands on his hips. He spoke softly. 'I seem to remember getting you OUT of the mess you were in.'
'You got me out alright!' Scully held out her arms, gesturing around her. 'Out here, across the country, away from everyone who cares about me. I'm all alone-'
Krycek's face grew still. 'You don't think I care?'
'You don't know what caring is!' She shouted. 'You have no emotions, you never know what you're feeling! You're not even human!'
Scully snapped her mouth shut. She couldn't believe she'd just said that.
Krycek stared back at her, speechless. Stunned. His eyes were wounded. His face was full of hurt.
The silence in the room was thick. Mulder himself was shocked at Scully's words. He put his hands over his face, wishing he could start this trip all over again and choose a different storyline.
Scully was ashamed with herself. She managed to return the devastated gaze Krycek was staring at her with, but couldn't form any words. He had hurt her by wanting to leave, so she had hurt him back.
Krycek closed his mouth, swallowed, and looked down at the heap of clothes in his suitcase. 'I'll be gone soon.' He said softly.
Scully put a hand over her mouth, then took it away. She shook her head and whispered. 'Alex-'
'Leave me alone.' He said in the same low voice, not looking at her.
'Alex-'
'Leave me alone.' He avoided her eyes and cleared his throat. 'Just leave me alone.'
Scully bit her bottom lip as tears came to her eyes. Mulder put a hand on her arm.
'…Oh yeah, she had a baby…It was painful…It was worth it…And all the time…They stuck the knife in…Pulled it up and twisted it around…Away…'
Scully suddenly clutched her stomach and double over in pain.
Before Mulder could even process the thought of reaching out to Scully, Krycek was over his bed and by her side.
'Dana?' He asked, concern awash on his face.
Her eyes met his. They were terrified. 'Something's wrong.'
'Call 911.' Krycek said, attempting to put his arms around her. Mulder didn't move and Krycek turned to look at him, raising his voice. 'Call 911!'
Mulder ran out into the hall, looking up at Langly and Frohike, who had appeared at the top of the stairs. 'Call 911! Call an ambulance!'
The two stared at him for a moment, then ran into each other, trying to get to the phone. Mulder turned and ran back down the hall to see Krycek supporting Scully, walking down the hall.
'Something's wrong.' She said again, her face twisted in agony.
Krycek picked her up and carried her up the stairs.
Maggie was suddenly at their side. 'What's wrong, Alex?'
Krycek didn't answer, he couldn't. He carried her into the living room and laid her down on the couch. Byers was instantly at his side. 'Anything I can do?'
Krycek turned to look at him; his eyes wide and glossed over. 'Did someone call an ambulance?'
'I called 911.' Langly said, stepping over to them.
Krycek put a hand on Scully's forehead. 'It's going to be okay, Dana. I promise.'
Mulder watched as his eyes darted around the room. He got the feeling that Krycek was trying to figure out what was wrong with Scully. He vaguely wondered why he couldn't just heal her, like he had healed Koskie. He watched Krycek slip farther and farther away. He watched Krycek put his other hand over his mouth, his face ashen. He wouldn't be any good if he simply passed out. He would be no help to Scully if he suddenly fainted away. Scully needed him, needed them both.
Mulder reached a hand out towards Krycek. 'Calm down. Relax.'
Krycek stared back at Mulder, his face growing paler and paler by the second.
Mulder suddenly slapped him hard across the face. 'Snap out of it, Krycek.'
How odd, Mulder thought as he heard the approaching sirens. I'm usually the one that flips out when something's wrong with Scully. Go figure I should be the one holding them all together today.
Langly opened he front door as the paramedics came charging through. They knocked Krycek and Mulder out of the way and began to assess Scully. The two of them huddled next to Maggie, who was fairly calm, considering the circumstance. It was Krycek who looked as if he was going to lose it.
The paramedics transferred Scully onto a gurney and began to wheel her out of the house. Krycek suddenly woke up out of his stupor. 'What's going on?'
'Are you her husband?'
'I'm the father.' Krycek stammered. 'I'm going with her.'
'You're her boyfriend?'
'Yes.' He said, climbing into the back of the ambulance.
Mulder opened his mouth to object. Really, shouldn't he be the one riding with Scully in the ambulance? Shouldn't he be the boyfriend? Shouldn't he be the father of the baby? Mulder bit back any argument that had bubbled up. This was certainly not the time to start squabbling again. Not with Scully's family and the Lone Gunmen standing around while his partner was on her way to the hospital.
But damn, he really hated Krycek.
Mulder ran up to driver of the ambulance, feeling very strong deja vu. 'Where are you taking her?'
'Hoag Medical Center.' He replied, closing the door.
Mulder watched as the ambulance drove off, not noticing everyone piling into the rented Suburban until Byers started it up.
*************************
Mulder leaned against the wall across from the chair Krycek was sitting in. He just stared at his old enemy, wondering what had really happened the night before. Krycek sat there, still in his wetsuit, hands over his mouth, and eyes closed. Mulder knew that he was probably feeling everything that Scully was.
Krycek had thrown quite a fit when they wouldn't let him go into the OR with her.
'What do you mean?' He had asked, his eyes glowing. 'I'm going in there!'
'We're sorry, Sir.' A nurse had said, pushing him back. 'We don't allow anyone in the OR during surgical procedures.'
'That's my child.' Krycek had said, Mulder and Langly each putting a hand on one of his arms. 'I have to be in there.'
Great, Mulder thought. Now he's going to cause all the lightbulbs in here to burst, all the electrical equipment will go haywire. Oh yes, it's going to be a pleasant evening.
After entrusting Krycek to Maggie's watchful eye, Mulder had gone to call Skinner.
'I'll be on the next flight out.' His superior had said.
It was hours later and there was no word yet. Krycek looked like he was about to lie down and die. Mulder was beginning to get a little squirrelly himself. He couldn't do anything but stare at Krycek and wish that he could absorb whatever it was that he was feeling.
Krycek's eyes suddenly opened and he stared straight ahead. He started to breathe quicker; his eyes darted around the room.
Mulder pushed himself towards him, off his post on the wall.
Krycek suddenly jerked his head back, causing everyone in the room to stare at him.
'Alex?' Maggie asked, putting an arm around him.
'Oh my god.' Krycek said when he finally slouched forward. 'Get me in there.'
'Alex, honey, what's wrong?' Maggie asked again.
Mulder couldn't move. He had a horrible idea of what was going on.
Krycek stood up. 'I need to get in there.' He suddenly jerked his head back again, nearly stumbling to the ground.
Mulder grabbed his arm and when Krycek fell forward he caught him. Krycek's eyes bore into him. Mulder had never seen someone so terrified in his life.
Bill and Maggie had risen off their chairs, but didn't come any closer.
'Get me in there, Fox.' Krycek's eyes started to leak tears. 'Get me in there. I can stop it.'
Mulder suddenly knew, without a doubt, what was happening. Scully was losing her battle and Krycek was asking to get in there to save her. He must be feeling the defibrillators. He grabbed Krycek's arm and began leading him towards the door that Scully had disappeared into. Krycek jerked again.
'Help me!' Mulder yelled at the Lone Gunmen. Langly stepped forward and helped Mulder guide Krycek towards the door.
A nurse tried to intercept them on the way in. Krycek stared at her and she was pushed backwards, out of the way. Krycek began to cry. 'Get me in there, oh my god, please get me in there.'
They burst through the double doors. Mulder was fighting the rising panic in his chest, his throat, his ears. He and Langly were dragging Krycek down the halls looking into the rooms on their way by.
There was a scream from up the hall. Krycek suddenly quit moving and put his hands on the sides of his face. His nose began to pour blood and his face scrunched up with pain. He lowered his head as a small hissing sound escaped through his grinding teeth.
Mulder and Langly had stopped and were staring at him, in awe over the sight of the man.
'Oh no…' Krycek whispered. His eyes briefly met Mulder's as he sagged forward and passed out.
Mulder stared in disbelief as his limp body fell to the floor; a team of doctor's rushed past them.
Mulder watched the group of people run down the hall, his mind in turmoil. What was going on? Where was Scully? And what had happened to Krycek? He turned his head to see that Langly was already rushing back with medical personnel to tend to Krycek.
Mulder turned and followed the team around a corner, where they charged into a room. He saw Scully, saw she was unconscious, and saw the monitor flatlining. His heart felt as if a piece of it was sliding away, like the side of a cliff.
'What's happening?' Mulder asked softly.
A nurse quickly looked up at him. 'Sir, you need to leave.'
'What's happening here?' He asked louder.
She walked towards him, placing a hand on his chest. 'You can't be in here, Sir. You need to remove yourself from this ward.
Mulder looked over her head at the chaos surrounding Scully while she remained serene and unmoving in the center. He resisted the little push that the nurse gave him. 'What's wrong with her?'
Two orderlies grabbed Mulder from behind and moved him down the hall. Mulder made a futile attempt to resist, but he couldn't do much damage. He was stunned at the sight of Scully, lying helpless on the table.
'What happened?' He whispered.
Krycek was already gone, he noticed. Who knew what the hell was wrong with him? Who really cared, Mulder thought. All he could think about was Scully.
Maggie was standing at the desk, speaking to the nurse on duty there. Bill was next to her with his arm around her shoulders. 'When can I find out what's happening with my daughter?'
The nurse was used to dealing with upset parents, spouses, whatever. 'Mrs. Scully, as soon as we are given any information, we will let you know.'
Mulder walked over to Maggie. His mind was overwhelmed, not just from Scully, but from everything. He was in overload and about to breakdown. He reached Scully's mom and stared down at her, his eyes showing everything that was in his mind.
'What is it, Fox?' She said softly, putting her hands on his shoulders.
Mulder leaned down to accept the embrace, putting his head on her shoulder.
'Agent Mulder.'
Mulder looked up at the somber voice that interrupted his moment of comfort.
Cancer Man was standing next to him.
'What are you doing here?' Mulder asked, not kind, but not rude.
'I had a message, from Alex. Apparently there's been some trouble?'
Mulder's mind spun around again, he thought back to the house, the wait here. He'd never seen Krycek use the phone.
'I'm sorry.' Maggie said. 'Who are you?'
Cancer Man smiled. 'I'm Alex's father.'
'Mrs. Scully?' A doctor was walking towards them.
'Yes?' Maggie asked.
'Good afternoon, I'm Dr. Marshall.'
'How is Dana?'
'Well, as you know, Dana had a lot of problems with this pregnancy.'
'What problems?' Maggie asked, flustered. 'Dana never had any problems.'
'Maybe none that she told you about, Mrs. Scully.' The doctor said soothingly. 'I'm very sorry, but Dana didn't survive the surgery.'
The silence in the room was deafening.
Maggie stared back at the doctor, her face one of disbelief as Bill sat down in a chair. Mulder stayed where he was, his mind was completely blank. Not one thought was in his head.
'Excuse me?' Bill asked. 'Did you say she didn't survive?'
'I'm afraid so.' The doctor nodded.
'What about the baby?' The voice came from Cancer Man.
'The baby is fine.' The doctor replied. 'He is in an incubator, there are some tests we're running, but he is perfectly healthy.'
'He?' Mulder asked. 'It's a boy?'
The doctor nodded. 'Yes.'
No one said anything for a long time. The lone gunmen stood in the corner, looking forlorn and wishing they were somewhere else. Maggie sat down in a chair next to Bill and the two of them were crying, turning to each other for support.
'I want to see her.' Mulder said.
The doctor shook his head. 'I'm sorry, Sir, that's imposs-'
'I want to see her!' Mulder yelled.
'Fox-' Maggie reached an arm out towards him as the doctor continued on.
'You can't go back there-'
Mulder brushed past the doctor. When he hit the double doors, two orderlies intercepted him. Mulder plowed through them and ran in the direction of the room Scully had been in. He burst through that door and came to an immediate halt.
People in biohazard suits were everywhere. Two of them were zipping a body bag over Scully's face. Others had radiation readers in the room; one was spraying a powdery, white mist everywhere.
Mulder took a step towards Scully. The orderlies he previously knocked down grabbed him.
'Scully!' He yelled, hoping she would simply wake up.
He was dragged back to the waiting room, through everyone standing there and deposited into a chair.
One of the orderlies pointed at him. 'One more time and we're calling the cops.'
Bill shook his head at Mulder, trying to speak through his crying. 'You always find a way to make everything worse.'
Mulder wished the tears would come to him so easily. All he felt was a huge swelling in his chest.
What am I going to do now, he asked himself. What am I going to do?
The doctor held a hand out to Maggie and placed it on her shoulder. 'Again, I'm very sorry.' Then he turned and walked away.
'I'm very sorry, Fox.' Cancer Man said to Mulder. 'But where is Alex?'
Mulder stared back at this man, his supposed father. 'He was hurt, or something.' He managed to say. He looked and sounded drugged. 'They took him somewhere.'
'Over here.' Langly said, eyeing Spender with great distaste. He was probably afraid that Spender was going to turn into a serpent and bite his head off. 'They took him down there.'
'Thank you.' Spender said politely, turning to Scully's mom. 'My deepest apologies, but I need to go see about my son.'
Maggie nodded, her face streaked with tears.
'I'll go with you.' Mulder said, wishing he would feel something, anything, other than this white fuzz clouding his brain.
*************************
Mulder stood leaning against the wall, needing the support it gave him. The doctor's had no clue as to what had happened to Krycek. He was fine now, just unresponsive. He was breathing and resting well, he just wouldn't wake up. Spender watched Krycek for awhile, then turned to look at Mulder.
'I do believe he'll be okay.'
Good for him. Mulder thought sourly. Scully is gone and I'm standing in a room with Cancer Man and his alien son, Krycek.
Life never quite turns out the way you think it will.
'The pressure of Agent Scully's thoughts was probably more than he could handle.'
Mulder recalled how Krycek had put his hands on the side of his head as his nose began to bleed. 'You're saying that Scully's feelings were too strong for him.'
'Yes, in a manner of speaking.' Spender said. 'His brain, his ears, everything, it was too much for him. Agent Scully's thoughts were probably very strong and his mind went into overload.'
Tears came to Mulder's eyes and he pushed them away. 'How long will he be out like this?'
Spender shrugged. 'Could be hours, could be days. I really don't know. His body needs to heal itself. Alex is very strong. He'll be fine.'
Mulder stared down at Krycek, wondering who was luckier. Krycek for not knowing yet that Scully was dead?
Or himself, for not being Krycek when Scully was dying.
*************************
Mulder stumbled back into the house on the beach. The Lone Gunmen had come looking for him and said that they were going to take shifts staying with Alex because they didn't want him to wake up alone. They wanted to be there when he found out about Scully.
Mulder didn't fight back the resentment this time. He let it ooze into in, through him.
Everyone was so worried about Krycek. They were so worried over how badly he was going to take the news. What about Mulder? Didn't they know how deeply he had cared for Scully? Didn't they know that he would probably be affected most of all?
Probably not.
He had been careful. He had been guarded. He had been silent. He had been afraid.
He hadn't worn his heart on his sleeve. Unlike the half-alien enemy lying in a hospital bed.
Krycek had been blatantly obvious. Only a fool wouldn't be able to see how much he cared about her. No matter how many times Krycek told him that he and Scully were 'just friends', Mulder would never believe it. Maybe on Scully's side they were 'just friends', sure, he believed that. But that was the only reason they were 'just friends', because she loved Mulder, not Krycek.
And Mulder had been a little uncertain about that lately.
He thought of Scully, dancing around Krycek and singing. He thought of them flinging pumpkin innards at each other. He thought of the way they had stared at each other on the beach.
No, he doubted that he would ever believe they were 'just friends'. He didn't believe it now.
He doubted that anyone did.
Damn, he really hated Krycek.
Frohike and Langly took the first watch and Mulder got out of the hospital as soon as his body would allow him to walk again.
Maggie and Bill seemed to be doing okay, all things considered. Mulder and Byers walked into the house in time to hear Maggie's strained voice.
'Charlie, honey? It's Mom.'
Mulder closed his eyes as he made his way past and ran down to the rec room. He grabbed the first bottle his hand hit under the bar and walked out onto the deck. The surf was crashing, the moon was bright and the night was warm. He opened the bottle of Dewer's and took as big of a swallow as the burning would allow. Mulder coughed as the some scotch ran out of his mouth and onto his shirt. He wiped it off his face with his arm and made his way down to the beach.
There were bonfire's scattered all over the beach but the stretch in front of the house was fairly isolated in a cove. Faint music drifted over to him from someone's radio.
'…I won't pay, I won't pay, no way…Na, na…Why don't you get a job…'
Mulder sat down on the sand and took another drink of the liquor, hoping it was going to knock him out soon.
'…I guess all his money, well it isn't enough, to keep her bill collector's at bay…I guess all his money, well it isn't enough 'cause that girl's got expensive tastes…'
Mulder laid down in the sand, the bottle of Dewer's in his right hand, and covered his face with his left arm. After a few moments, he began to cry.
*************************
'Agent Mulder.'
He blinked at the voice.
'Mulder.' The commanding voice said again.
Where the hell was he? His mind was all clouded, and his head hurt like hell. He looked around a little, and his gaze landed on a pair of sneakers. His eyes wandered up the person's jeans to see Skinner's face.
Mulder was confused. What the hell was all the crashing? He squinted as a new pain enveloped his head. 'Sir?'
Skinner squatted down next to him. 'You okay?'
Mulder slowly sat up and as he did, the ocean came into view. His hand clinked against the empty bottle of scotch and everything came flooding back to him. The hospital, Krycek, Scully. The baby.
He closed his eyes, resting his knees on his elbows, and put his face in his hands.
Skinner sat in the sand next to him. 'What happened, Agent Mulder?'
'Didn't they tell you?'
Skinner nodded. 'Yes. I had a conversation with Byers up there. He said there were problems. He said she didn't survive.'
Mulder nodded.
Skinner hesitated. 'He said there was something wrong with Alex?'
'Krycek could feel what Scully was feeling. He collapsed.'
'He's still in the hospital?'
Mulder took his hands away from his face and looked along the shoreline. 'Last I heard.'
'I don't want to imply anything, Agent Mulder.' Skinner looked away. 'But do you really believe she's dead?'
Mulder looked over at him, trying to read his face in the moonlight. 'Why would you say that?'
Skinner shrugged. 'Just something that keeps eating at me. When this entire mess first started, Alex had said that Scully and the baby were very important. That she wouldn't be safe. And Scully had said that she was warned by Cancer Man that she needed to go into hiding, that her physiology was changed, that she carried an anti-agent.'
Mulder stared back at him. 'Of what?'
'The virus.'
'I saw her.' Mulder said after a moment of thinking. 'I saw the monitor flatlining. I saw them put her into a body bag. I had barged in, they were surprised.'
Skinner didn't reply. He frowned and looked out over the ocean. They were silent for a minute before Mulder spoke again. 'I wouldn't even know who to go to. Who would know if she were alive other than those who are holding her?'
Skinner stared back at Mulder. 'Alex.'
*************************
Skinner and Mulder sat in Krycek's room, waiting and watching. They had been sitting in silence for awhile.
'She was all I had.' Mulder said softly.
Skinner took his glasses off and polished them with his shirt, trying to distract himself from his own teary eyes. 'That's not true, Mulder. You have your work, your cause, you have friends.'
'That means nothing anymore.' Mulder shook his head.
'I know you and Agent Scully were close.' Skinner said, eyes still misting over. 'But she would want you to grieve and move on. She wouldn't want you to lose sight of yourself and your mission.'
Mulder opened his mouth, then lowered his head.
'This is all very new.' Skinner put a hand on his forehead, trying to clear his own grieving mind. 'You will need time, we both will.'
*************************
Krycek's eyes fluttered. He was trying to wake up. He felt people in the room.
He felt someone approach his side and lean down.
'I think he's waking up.'
He knew that voice. It was Skinner.
Krycek opened his eyes and tried to focus on his old superior. He was tired and damn his head hurt. What had happened?
'Where…' Krycek's voice croaked into silence. He licked his lips, swallowed, tried again. 'Where am I?'
Skinner spoke softly to him. 'You're in the hospital, Alex. But you're fine. You're just resting.'
Krycek closed his eyes again and suddenly felt hate directed at him. That could only be Mulder, he thought. No one hates me that much.
Why was he in the hospital? What was he resting from?
Krycek's eyes suddenly popped open.
'Dana?' He asked as thoughts came flooding back to him. He had felt her trying to hang on, trying to reach him, asking for help. For her, for the baby.
Krycek automatically reached out, trying to sense her. There was nothing.
Tears filled his eyes; he had tried to get to her. He had tried. He was weak, he couldn't hold on. The pain in his head had been too much, and that shock ripping through his body…
'Where is she?' He asked, reaching out and grabbing Skinner's arm.
'Alex.' Skinner said, his eyes full of sorrow.
He didn't need to say anything. Krycek read it all in his eyes.
Mulder stared at Krycek, arms crossed, anger flowing through him. 'You can't feel her?'
Krycek reached out again. Searching. There was nothing.
Tears fell down his cheeks as he shook his head.
Another thought popped into his head and he looked at Skinner. 'The baby?'
'He's fine.' Skinner nodded. 'We have plenty of protection on him.'
'Him?' Krycek reached out, felt a tiny mind touch his back. He almost smiled, but couldn't quite get it on his face through the mud in his bloodstream. He closed his eyes, trying not to pass out. He couldn't imagine feeling like this much longer. He had never felt pain like this in his life.
Mulder saw the look of compassion and concern Skinner directed at Krycek.
He suppressed the urge to scream.
'How do you stand it?' Krycek suddenly asked.
Skinner frowned at him. 'What?'
'This pain.' Krycek said. 'I've never felt this kind of pain. This kind of loss before.'
'You've never cared before.' Mulder said harshly.
Krycek turned his head to the side, away from him.
'It never goes away.' Mulder said, unable to show him an ounce of compassion. 'It fades a little, but it never goes away. Trust me, I'm an expert. It's how I felt when my Dad was murdered. It's how Scully felt when her sister was killed.'
'Mulder.' Skinner said sadly.
'How strange, Krycek. I seem to recall you were responsible for both of those 'losses'.' Mulder pushed himself off of the wall, reaching for the door and opening it. 'I guess what they say is true. People get what they deserve.'
Skinner sighed and looked back down at Krycek.
His eyes were closed; he wasn't paying attention. He was reaching out, trying to find something, anything. He still felt nothing.
The word suddenly had a new meaning to him.
Nothing.
*************************
The next evening, everyone was gathered in the kitchen.
Krycek, Frohike, Langly, Maggie and Skinner were all sitting at the table in the breakfast nook. They were talking, visiting, trying to joke around, trying to make plans for Scully's funeral.
Mulder stood off to the side, leaning against the wall that joined the breakfast area and the kitchen. He didn't belong at the table. He felt removed from these people. He felt alone.
Krycek had said that Dana would be horrified if they were just sitting around, pouting and sulking.
Too bad that Krycek didn't take his own words to heart, Mulder thought to himself. He could see right through the bravado that Krycek was surrounding himself with. He knew that the younger man was lost and confused and afraid. He knew that Krycek was terrified and barely hanging on.
They had been informed by the hospital that CDC, the Center of Disease Control, had been ordered to cremate Scully's body due to the fact that she had been exposed to a 'virus of unknown origin'.
Maggie had automatically been upset because she wanted Scully to have a traditional Catholic service. Krycek gently informed her that Scully wanted to be cremated, and spread out in the sea, like her father. She didn't want a wake; she wanted a party. She wanted her life to be celebrated.
Mulder stared out the window, irritated that he didn't know this small tidbit about his best friend. His mind drifted as everyone sat around, making plans. He really wanted no part of it. He didn't know what to do now. He was alone. Well, that wasn't true. His sister was apparently still alive. He could search for her.
Again.
Krycek looked over at him from his seat at the breakfast table. In response, Mulder looked away.
He knew that Krycek was taking this badly. Probably even worse then he himself was, which made no sense to Mulder considering Krycek had a child to give him a new reason to live. Mulder still had nothing. Feelings were new to Krycek. Mulder had to give him that. He watched Krycek collect some cups and mugs from the table everyone was huddled around. He walked into the kitchen and went to put them into the sink. He hadn't so much as glanced in Mulder's direction as he brushed past.
The tension between the two of them had become unbearable. Mulder was certain that everyone around could feel it. It had been tolerable when it was just Mulder who had the problem. But now Krycek had a new hostility towards him and sometimes just the way that the younger man looked at him filled Mulder with unease,
He wasn't sure where Krycek had picked up the new chip he carried on his shoulder.
It could be because he continually reached out to Mulder and was pushed away. It could be because of the argument that had happened the morning before. It could be because everything had been just fine in Krycek's world until Mulder showed up for Thanksgiving. It could be because he was so pissed off that Scully was dead and needed someone to take it out on. It could be because he knew exactly just how much Mulder despised him and decided to quit trying. It could be because Scully had loved Mulder and not him.
It could be all of those things.
Now Mulder was faced with a new dilemma. What to do for the rest of his life. With Scully gone, he'd never have to see Krycek again. But what about the baby? Was he going to go through his life not knowing Scully's son? Was he going to go through his life never seeing Scully's mom again?
He didn't think that Scully would like that very much. Let alone himself.
Krycek would be spending a lot of time with Maggie and the rest of Scully's family. Not to mention the fact that the Lone Gunmen and Skinner had also become close with Krycek. He was sure that somewhere, sometime, somehow, no matter how hard he tried to avoid it, he would probably run into Krycek sooner or later.
Mulder sighed and looked back out the doors, over the ocean. His mind drifted until he heard Maggie's voice. It was somewhat urgent.
'Alex?'
Mulder looked over to see Krycek staring down at the corner of the sink. His face was ghostly white, his eyes were wide and they filled with tears. Mulder didn't think he was breathing.
'Alex.' Skinner repeated his name after Maggie.
'What's wrong?' Frohike asked, walking towards the kitchen.
Krycek suddenly took a step away from the sink, still staring down at something unseen to Mulder. He was shaking. Between the expression on his face and his unresponsiveness, Krycek suddenly seemed like a child. He looked lost and alone. He looked terrified.
Damned if Mulder didn't feel sorry for him.
'Krycek.' Mulder took a step towards him and gently took a hold of his arm. 'Krycek, look at me.'
He did. But Mulder didn't think he was seeing anything.
'Damn.' Frohike followed Krycek's gaze. 'It's her ring.'
Silence traveled around the room. Mulder stared back at Krycek, genuinely worried, beginning to wonder if he had finally snapped and ventured over into the land of the catatonic. When tears slid down Krycek's cheeks, Mulder had almost wanted to hug him.
Almost.
Maggie came over to put an arm around Krycek. 'Come on Alex. Let's take a walk.'
Mulder watched her guide him out the French doors and onto the deck. Langly followed them out.
'Shit.' Skinner said. 'I'm not sure he's going to make it through this.'
Mulder was shaken. The vacant look in Krycek's eyes had been frightening. He had never thought about how badly Krycek would be affected by Scully's death. He didn't think he cared.
He didn't care, he reminded himself.
'Should I put it somewhere?' Frohike's voice interrupted.
'He'll need to deal with it later.' Mulder replied softly. 'Leave it there.'
The service was at sunset the following Saturday night. It had taken that long to get Scully's ashes from the government. They stood on the beach and played 'On The Turning Away' by Pink Floyd while her ashes were spread. Apparently, Scully had loved that song.
Another small detail Mulder never knew.
'Because she wanted to make the world a better place.' Krycek told him the night before the funeral.
Mulder had drifted down to the beach, trying to escape the gathering crowd in the house. People had been arriving from out of town all day and would unavoidably drop by the house to see Maggie and Bill. Skinner and the Lone Gunmen had taken off to get more food and drinks. Mulder hadn't seen Krycek for a couple of hours, and figured that he'd gone back to the hospital to visit with the baby.
Skinner had told him that Krycek would just sit for hours and hold his son, who hadn't been named yet. He had said that he was afraid Krycek was going to crack. He had said that maybe Mulder should stick around Newport Beach for awhile.
Mulder knew what his superior was trying to do.
Skinner probably figured that the two of them could help each other through this. He probably figured that it would be better for Mulder back here, with Krycek and the baby. Not back in DC, working on the X-Files, chasing little grey men and being angry at the injustice of it all.
Mulder hadn't been to the hospital yet. He wasn't sure he could handle seeing Scully's baby yet. Skinner had told him that the baby had Krycek's dark hair and Scully's brilliant blue eyes.
Mulder walked down the stairs to the beach and stood in the moonlight for a moment, breathing in the salty air. A crowd of people sat around a bonfire, music from an oldie's station playing on their portable stereo. He began to walk south on the beach and noticed someone sitting alone in the sand, up towards the cliff, nearly hidden in the shadows. The person was hard to see due to the fact that they were clad in black. Black pants, a black sweater, black boots…
It was Krycek.
'…I see tress of green…Red roses too…I see them bloom…For me and you…And I think to myself…What a wonderful world…'
Shit, Mulder sighed as he drew closer. I don't need this right now.
Krycek had his face buried in his arms, which were resting on top of his legs. There was a bottle of tequila in his right hand, which rested on his left knee. The image permanently burned itself into Mulder's mind. He didn't think he'd ever seen the perfect picture of dejection before.
He stopped five feet away and stared down at his supposed brother.
'…The colors of the rainbow…So pretty in the sky…Are also on the faces of people going by…I see friends shaking hands…Saying how do you do…They're really saying…I love you…'
Mulder had no idea how long he stood there in silence, trying not to feel any sympathy towards Alex Krycek. It was hard not to. Seeing Krycek sitting like that, legs pulled up to his chest, his arms crossed over his knees, head buried in his arms, tequila bottle in hand…
Krycek seemed very young to him again.
'…And I think to myself…What a wonderful world…'
'God, I hate this fucking song.'
Krycek's voice was muffled against his arms.
Mulder looked down at him, at the back of his head. It was odd to see Krycek so helpless. 'I figured someone with your outlook on life would enjoy the lyrics.'
'I used to like it.' Krycek replied, not raising his head from his arms. 'I just now decided to despise it.'
Mulder spoke mechanically, not wanting to feel anything towards the man. 'Why is that?'
Krycek raised his head to look at the ocean, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. 'This sudden malignancy towards life that's stolen into my brain, where did it come from? I can't possibly imagine.'
Mulder couldn't bear to look at him, but he couldn't look away.
Krycek's eyes were red and swollen, tears were gathered beneath them. He had the stricken look of someone who'd lost their life. The air around him reeked of discontent, of disenchantment. Even his body language depicted someone who had given up on life.
'I can't give up, Fox.' Krycek said, his voice thick and hoarse. 'I have a son to think about.'
'I didn't think you'd given up.' Mulder replied softly. ' You just look like hell.'
Krycek linked his fingers around the bottle of tequila and rested his chin against his hands. 'I never imagined that anything could be so painful.'
Mulder didn't know how to respond. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? Bummer? He didn't know how to approach this. He never in a million years imagined that he'd be standing in front of a grieving Alex Krycek. He never thought he'd view the evil man as a lost, hopeless soul.
Krycek took a drink from the bottle then wiped his mouth on his sleeve. He coughed, then sniffed.
Mulder suddenly felt like an old man. He'd been chasing after things his whole life. Chasing after one thing or another. He'd chased Scully out to the California coast.
And now here he was, watching his arch enemy collapse under the emotional strain of Scully's death.
Life never quite works out the way you think it will…
Mulder sat down in the sand next to Krycek and took the offered bottle of tequila.
''On the Turning Away', huh?' Mulder asked, taking a swig of the Cuervo.
'She loved that song.' Krycek replied. 'Because she wanted to make the world a better place.'
Mulder held the bottle back towards him and kept his eyes on the dark sea. 'Is that what it's about?'
Krycek nodded and took another swallow from the bottle. 'It talks about how most people just stand by and watch the world go to hell. How everyone ignores the suffering. But at the end, it's resolute. No more turning away from the weak and the wary. No more turning away from the cold distant sun. Just a world that we all must share. It's not enough just to stand and stare. Is it only a dream that there'll be no more turning away? It's about hope.'
Mulder looked over at Krycek. It still wasn't easy to look at the heartbroken man. Krycek wore his emotions the way people were tailored suits, draped over their bodies, perfectly fitted. 'I've never really paid much attention to Pink Floyd.'
'Pink Floyd has kept me sane all my life.' Krycek replied. 'I've always felt that they have had as much of an influence on me as anyone or anything else. Dana always told me that my outlook on life was a momentary lapse of reason-'
Krycek's voice suddenly caught and he couldn't say anything.
Mulder watched Krycek struggle with his emotions. Empathy somehow invaded his heart. Krycek had never cared about anyone, so he'd never lost anyone. Imagine being all grown up and suddenly having to learn how to feel. How must that be?
Damnit, Mulder thought, unable to tear his eyes away from the desolate man sitting next to him. I don't want to have to care. Why can't I just be angry and hate him, like I always have?
I don't want to care.
I don't want to like him.
Krycek swallowed a couple of times. He closed his eyes and hung his head.
A lopsided grin managed to worm its way across Mulder's lips as he watched Krycek wrestle with his feelings. He knew it was wrong, but couldn't stop it. The words were out before he could stop them.
'You really had it bad, didn't you?'
Krycek looked over at Mulder, the motion causing tears to slip down his cheeks. A dozen emotions played across his face. Disbelief won out. When he spoke, his voice was soft, husky.
'That's all you care about, isn't it Fox?' Krycek gave a small shake of his head. 'Your pride, your ego. You just really want to know that I didn't steal her away.'
Mulder didn't respond.
A noise that was a cross between a laugh and a sob escaped Krycek as he looked out over the ocean. 'You just want to make sure that I didn't have something that you wanted.'
'Krycek-'
'Don't worry, Fox.' Krycek glared at him with open hostility. 'Dana was yours until the end.'
Mulder shook his head, irritated with himself for purposely hurting Krycek. 'I just meant it must be hard on you.'
'Don't lie to me, Mulder.' Krycek snapped harshly. 'Don't forget, and I'm quoting you on this, that I'm 'not human'. I can read your mind.'
'We're both upset.' Mulder said softly. 'We've both lost someone very-'
'Why are you here?' Krycek interrupted him.
Mulder looked at him. He distantly wondered why he was so uneasy with Krycek displaying hostility towards him since. Krycek had been overly amiable since they had discovered they were born of the same gene pool. 'You know why.' Mulder said softly. 'I came to see Scully. If you're asking me why I'm still here, that's a pretty stupid question. Did you really think I wouldn't stay for her funeral?'
'No. That's now what I mean.' Krycek shook his head. 'Why are you here, right here, right now?'
'I was walking by.' Mulder replied. 'I saw you here.'
'And came over to gloat, to pry, to intrude your hostility on me.'
'I didn't do any of those things-'
''You really had it bad, didn't you?'' Krycek threw his own words back at him. 'Why would you say something like that to me? Only to hurt me.'
'Didn't you?' Mulder raised his voice.
'What does it matter?' Krycek asked imploringly. 'What good does it do to argue over this? Who cares? It's over, Fox.'
'I never got to tell Scully how I felt.' Mulder said softly. 'She never knew what she meant to me, especially after these past few months. It bothers me that she might not have known how I felt. How much she meant to me.'
'What the hell does that have to do with anything we're talking about?' Krycek buried his face in his hands. He stayed that way for quite some time. The only sound was the crashing of the surf.
'I'm sorry.' He finally said softly.
Mulder picked up the bottle of tequila off the sand and took a heavy drink. 'For which part?'
'I tried to get to her.' Krycek said. 'I tried to save her.'
Mulder froze.
'I couldn't hold on.' Krycek's voice was muffled through his hands. 'I couldn't get there fast enough.'
Mulder began to shake.
'I tried to hold on.'
Mulder couldn't form a coherent sentence.
Krycek looked at him, tears in his eyes. His face was full of anguish.
'Dana knew how you felt. She loved you.'
Mulder stared back at him, unable to say anything.
More tears fell down Krycek's cheeks when he spoke again. 'That's the reason I was trying to leave. I knew you wouldn't be much good if I was still around. You hate me so much. You hate me so much that it blinds you. That's why I was trying to leave. So you would be here for Dana and she would be happy.'
Mulder looked away; he couldn't bear to look at Krycek's agonized face while listening to this guilty apology. He couldn't stand to hear Krycek say 'you hate me so much that it blinds you'. He knew Krycek would feel guilty about her death for a long time. Probably for the rest of his life.
Krycek hung his head again; his lower lip trembled. 'I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to feel.'
Mulder thought of Scully, dancing around Krycek and singing.
He thought of them flinging pumpkin innards at each other.
He thought of the way they had stared at each other on the beach.
He didn't feel sorry for Krycek anymore.
Not one damn bit.
'You'll get over it.' Mulder said stonily as he stood up.
Krycek let his head fall onto his arms again.
Mulder abruptly turned and walked away, somehow knowing that he had just tore out Krycek's heart then stomped on it.
End Part Eight
Continued in Part Nine.
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