TITLE: World Without End:
Book Two (6/?)
AUTHOR: Rachel Anton
E-MAIL: RAnton1013@aol.com
God, has it only been two weeks? It feels like forever.
Forever since I've seen him like this. Naked, oh I have seen him naked many times. It's hard not to when you're living in a dorm room with someone. But naked and flushed and aroused and smiling…finally smiling, that's something else entirely. Something I have missed more than I even realized.
"Alex…"
I can barely even talk. I'm actually choked up.
"God, devotchka, I've been going crazy wanting you. I haven't been able to think about anything else."
He sits down on the steps and gestures for me to join him. When I swim over there he grabs me and pulls me onto his lap. I am expecting to be thoroughly ravished but he just holds me there against his chest, cradling me between his thighs.
"I miss you," he whispers into my wet hair and I wrap my arms around his neck.
"I miss you too, Alex."
God, I miss him so much. It feels so amazingly good to be close to him like this. I can't believe I've been denying myself, denying him for so long.
I turn into him for a kiss and feeling his tongue softly filling my mouth sends a tremor through me like nothing else has ever been able to do. How could I have told him not to touch me? No matter how angry I was, it was a horrible and idiotic thing to say. I couldn't bear it if he never touched me again.
"Mmmsorry, Alex," I whisper into his ear and he pulls me closer. "I'm so sorry I said…what I said. I shouldn't have."
"S'okay. It's been hard for you lately."
"Well, either way, I just shouldn't have said it. Period."
I don't think I realized how it would effect him. Didn't realize that he would take it to heart. Stupid, stupid thing to do.
"S'okay. Just…just don't say it again, okay?"
God, he sounds just like a little boy. It still astounds me sometimes how vulnerable he allows himself to become with me. It makes my heart twist into many strange shapes.
"Never," I promise him with another kiss. "Never ever."
I want him so much. I can't stand it. I just want him.
"Now, let's start over, Alex."
I turn around in his lap and climb on top of him, straddling him, reveling in the feel of his cock pressing up against me under the water. I lean in and start biting and licking the side of his neck and find myself rocking against him almost unconsciously. I think I'm ready to just take him inside right now.
But he pulls back from me. He doesn't seem as desperate as I am. Maybe he's still afraid because of the way I've been pushing him away.
"MmmDana…"
"Hmm?"
I take his hand in mine and run it wantonly up and down my body, trying to encourage him, show him how badly I want his touch.
"What do you need, Alex?" I ask, dragging his fingers back up to my mouth and taking his forefinger between my lips. I suck on him greedily, thrilling in the way he stares at my display, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.
"I…uh…."
He swallows and closes his eyes. Whatever it is it must be good. I've never seen him look so embarrassed to ask for something like this.
"I just…can I just hold you for a minute?"
"Hold…um…sssure. Yeah. Okay."
I'm thrown for a minute but try really hard not to let my disappointment show. It is really sweet and I love being held by him. It's just, well, I suppose I'm feeling a bit impatient for the main event here.
I take a deep breath and un-straddle myself. I sit on his lap with my legs closed this time and he pulls me against his chest.
"Is this okay?" he asks, squeezing me tighter and tighter.
"Yeah. Yeah, it's nice."
It is nice but he's starting to crush me. I try to relax and listen to his heart beating against my ear. It's beating so fast though. And I'm starting to have trouble breathing.
I let him clutch me in his deathgrip for a couple of minutes, afraid to tell him that I'm going to start choking soon and actually enjoying the closeness despite all of that. But before too long I start to feel my chest constrict and begin worrying about physical harm. Death by Alex hug.
I clear my throat and cough a bit but he doesn't seem to notice. He's still squeezing the life out of me, breathing heavily into the top of my head.
"Um, Alex…"
"Huh? Oh. Oh God, I'm sorry," he stammers, loosening his arm significantly. "Didn't mean to asphyxiate you there."
"S'okay," I sigh, snuggling up into him. We sit in silence for awhile, hanging onto each other and just enjoying the way it feels and I'm so grateful to be with someone so wonderful. This was a very good idea.
"God, Dana, I feel so weird. This is all just so weird."
I have to laugh at that. There's nothing about this life we're living that isn't weird.
"I mean this whole past year has been weird to begin with for me," he continues and I realize suddenly that yesterday was our anniversary. A year ago yesterday we made love for the first time. I can't believe we spent it in such a horrible way. Thank God we're making up for it now.
"I mean I…I never expected this to happen to me, Dana."
"Well, I never would have expected it either. But I'm glad it happened. So glad."
I start kissing his neck again, unable to help myself, and try to focus on that particular part of his body to restrain myself from reaching down and grabbing his dick.
"I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes," he goes on, seemingly oblivious to my ministrations. "I guess sometimes I feel like if I squeeze you hard enough, I won't lose you."
I stop what I'm doing and pull back to look him in the eye.
"Alex, I don't want to lose you either. Don't you believe that?"
He doesn't answer me which is pretty terrifying to me. Have I been that reserved? That distant? Or is it that he's much more insecure than I ever would have dreamed?
"I just hope you never feel like you have to stay with me," he says quietly, almost as if he doesn't want me to hear him. I don't know why he would think that I'd ever feel obliged to be his lover. Because he saved my life? Because I owe him? I can't believe that he would even consider that.
Or is it something even worse? Something he'd never say. Does he think I'm afraid of him? That I'd fear for my life if I left him?
I turn towards him and take his face in my hands, smooshing his cheeks together with my palms.
"Alex, we're in this together. Okay?"
He shrugs and I almost laugh out loud at what a pathetic picture he makes with his squished, frowning face.
"And that's what you want?" he asks through his fish-shaped lips and this time I do laugh.
"Yes! Alex, yes. I want this. I want you."
I punctuate the statement with another kiss but when I pull back he's still got a skeptical look on his face.
"Look Alex, I'll tell you what. If I get miserable you can kick me out okay? That way it's on your shoulders."
"Well, that's a pretty big responsibility. How will I know?"
"You don't think you know me well enough to tell when I'm miserable?"
"I dunno, Dana. You've seemed pretty miserable to me for the past two weeks."
"Not with you, Alex."
"But…"
"Alex. Listen to me. I don't want to go. I don't want to go ever."
He opens his mouth to voice another protest but I cut him off with a kiss. Mostly because I want to kiss him but partially because I want him to stop talking now. I just want to forget about all of this and go back to the way we were. Just for one night.
"This is just weird for me, Dana," he says again when we break apart. "I've never been in…."
He stops himself from finishing that thought and it makes me unspeakably sad. He's starting to feel like he can't say it anymore. Probably because of my underwhelming response. Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me. Why does this all have to be so confusing?
"I've never felt like this before. And I don't really know how it's supposed to be. How I'm supposed to act…"
"You've been doing just fine, Alex," I whisper into his ear and he shivers a little. Whether it's a response to the seductive tone I'm attempting to affect or the fact that half his chest is out of the water I'm not sure.
"God, Dana. I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Nothing's wrong with you."
I run my hands over his smooth, hard chest and down around his thick, muscular thighs. Nope, nothing wrong here.
"You're perfect, Alex. Perfect."
He smiles for the first time in a long time, appeased by my honest but utterly shameless flattery. Well, it worked didn't it?
"That's what I keep saying," he tells me with a grin. "But nobody believes me except you."
"Hmmm, mysterious. Maybe you are brainwashing me."
"Maybe. Guess there's no way to tell huh?"
"Well, they say ignorance is bliss…"
"And are you blissful?"
"I don't know. I'm too ignorant to figure that out."
I wiggle out of his embrace and swim away from him, feeling suddenly playful. He looks after me with a pout.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"Swimming. Isn't that what people are supposed to do in pools?"
He looks down and skims his fingers over the surface with a very phony and very silly frown.
"Well, there are other things to do in pools, you know. My Dana voodoo doll would know what to do."
"Your what??"
"Yeah, she's a little clothespin with red hair drawn on in crayon."
I have to stop swimming around because now I'm really laughing and I might drown.
"Well, sometimes brainwashing just isn't enough. Sometimes a guy needs a little extra help. So whenever I get horny I just put her next to my dick and you miraculously appear."
"Alex, you're supposed to leave the toys for the kiddies," I tell him between giggles.
"Yeah, well she hasn't been working lately anyway. I think the magic's worn off."
"Or maybe you're just a nutcase."
"That's always a possibility I suppose."
We both laugh and it feels so good. So so good to be like this. I think it's been just as long since I've laughed like this as it's been since we had sex. I didn't realize how badly I needed it.
I don't think I recognized the value of silliness until Alex and I got together. I'm pretty sure he didn't either.
I look over at him still sitting on the steps, half in the water, half out, and I wonder if it's possible that he's still nervous about really touching me.
"What's the matter little boy? Why're you still sitting on the steps? You scared of the water?"
"Nope. I'm scared of what's in the water," he says and lunges at me unexpectedly. He grabs me around the waist and lifts me up and I shriek like a thirteen year old girl. He spins me around and I wrap my arms around his neck to keep from flying away.
"You know there's a monster in here," he growls into my ear. "A horny pool beastie."
"I don't believe in mon…monsters!" I attempt to pronounce through my giggles. "And if I did I wouldn't be afraid like you, ya big baby."
"Oh, that's a mistake, Dana. The pool beastie is very dangerous. He takes pretty little girls like you and does this…"
He shoves me against the wall and starts playfully gnawing on my neck. It tickles and it's warm and I can't stop laughing and squirming and fruitlessly trying to push him away so that I can catch my breath.
He finally stops but I barely notice because I'm still giddy and practically hyperventilating. I hear him say something but I can't quite tell what it is.
"Hmmwha…what?" I ask, trying to catch my breath. He's staring at me very seriously all of a sudden.
"I said you're beautiful," he whispers roughly. "The most beautiful thing in the world."
Before I can respond to that statement beyond gaping at him he's kissing me again, so softly and so sweetly it almost breaks me. I tangle my fingers in his hair and pull his head closer and our mouths open, tongues touching lightly. I can't stifle the groan that comes from somewhere in my chest and travels out of my mouth and into his. He always knows just what to say to turn my insides out.
Could I say it now, I wonder as we kiss and kiss and kiss. Could I?
We break apart finally and I lean back and catch sight of the stars above us. I'm hit with a rush of memories and feelings starting with the first time we came down here and continuing over the years we've spent together, as friends and most recently, lovers, over all the Tuesdays we've spent here talking and making love and just having fun. I could say it. Maybe…
"Alex, do you ever think about that first night when we came here?"
"Sometimes, yeah."
I take his face in my hands and point it upwards and he smiles.
"They look better," he says. "Not as good as you though."
"Mmm…right."
"No, I'm serious. That's all I could think that night, you know. You kept telling me to look at the stars and all I wanted to look at was you."
He drops his head and looks into my eyes and I melt yet again.
"Even then?"
"Of course. How could I not?"
"God, Alex, I was such a wreck back then."
"Still beautiful. Always," he whispers, leaning in for another kiss. This kiss is hungrier, more passionate and sloppy than before. His tongue thrusts in and out of my mouth in an imitation of what I'm now about ready to die for and I clutch at him needily.
"So, where's this pool beastie?" I ask as he nips at my chin and neck.
"Hmmm?"
"Pool beastie? Horny monster? I keep waiting for him to come and attack me but here I sit, getting kisses from boring old Alex."
He smiles, seeming to have regained his sense of humor as well as his confidence, thank God.
"Ah, I see how it is. Well, you've gotta do something to summon the monster, Dana. He doesn't just appear out of the blue."
"Oh, I see. What should I do?"
"Well, he might like it if you kiss my neck like you were doing before. I think I heard him stirring around when you were doing that."
"Is that so? He likes when I kiss your neck?"
He nods quickly with that, "you know you wanna" grin and I find myself giggling again.
"He's kind of a voyeur."
"All right, well, I suppose it can't hurt to try…"
I rake my teeth over the skin on the side of his neck in an attempt to be seductive and he moans in response. I can't carry on that way for very long though. I'm laughing too hard.
"Ya know, I don't think you're taking the beastie very seriously," he tells me through his own chuckles.
"Oh, I didn't realize he was a serious beast."
"He's very serious."
I try to swallow down my laugher but find that I can't. It's an amazing feeling, not being able to stop laughing.
"This is very bad. You know what he does to little girls who laugh at him?"
I shake my head, anxious to find out the answer.
"He does….this!"
He reaches down and starts tickling my stomach mercilessly. I try to get away but end up backing against the wall and trapping myself against him. I end up laughing so hard that I'm crying. Shrieking and squealing and wriggling.
"Stop!! Alex, I ca…I can't breathe!"
He stops tickling but I'm still pressed between his body and the side of the pool. Not that I'm complaining.
"Are you going to take the beastie seriously from now on?" he asks, his fingers dangerously close to my abdomen.
"Yes," I say but can't help snorting afterwards.
"You know what else he likes that might counteract the effects of your mockery?"
"What's that?"
"If you like, lift your legs up and wrap them around my waist."
"Oh, he likes that, huh?"
Interesting. I must test this theory. I wrap my arms around his neck and lift myself up, naturally buoyant because of the water, and tangle myself around him. Oh yeah. That definitely works for me at least. Alex makes a sound somewhere between a moan and a laugh and presses himself against me. He's hard again. Or still. Not sure if he has been this entire time or not. I was too distracted by his goofing around.
"So, this beastie as you refer to him, is he completely aquatic?"
"Completely? No, I don't think so," he says, rotating his hips tantalizingly. "I've seen him a few other places around here."
"Well, I guess what I want to know is, how long do you think he could hold his breath under water?"
He smiles and thrusts more deliberately against me with another laugh/grunt.
"I see how it is," he whispers wickedly, his lips close enough for kissing. "Unfortunately I think he breathes air primarily. Maybe if you got him some diving gear."
"Diving gear?!"
"Yeah, I know. He's not a very effective monster."
"Well…" I pause to press my mouth against his briefly but as soon as I make the contact his lips part and our tongues meet in a frantic, wet tangle.
"Mmmwell," I continue as his kisses move across my face and over to my ear. He starts sucking on my earlobe and licking around the whorls and I lose my train of thought again.
"It sounds….ughmmm….it sounds like he's not really …oh…a monster at all."
The tongue bath stops abruptly and he gives me a look of mock incredulity.
"Are you questioning the beastie's existence?"
"Perhaps."
"Well, that's the worst kind of offense. You know what the monster does when you question him?"
"Nope."
"He lifts you out of the water like this."
Sure enough, he lifts me up and tosses me onto the ledge of the pool. It's freezing and the ground is hard and uncomfortable and I shriek in disapproval. I know where this is going though and I'm not about to get back into the pool and miss out.
"And then he comes around and starts biting your thighs," he tells me and begins doing just that.
"Well, so much for counting on you as a…mmmmprotector."
"Oh, I'm helpless against the horny beast," he murmurs against my leg. I start to forget about the discomfort in the rest of my body very quickly when I feel his teeth and lips brushing against the insides of my thighs, higher and higher…
"Now do you believe in the beast?"
"Hmmwhaa…"
"Or am I gonna have to continue this demonstration?"
Oh God. Please continue.
"There is no monster. Just the lunatic I share a bed with."
"Well, now the monster's really pissed. He doesn't like when you call me names. I think it's time for a lesson in monster manners."
"Monster what?!"
"Yes, you've got to learn to be polite to the monster. To respect and worship him."
"Worship??"
"Yes, he won't settle for less. Otherwise he might do this…"
"I think that's a bit muuhhhh, oh God…"
Oh God. Oh my God. He's there, finally. My legs snap open as far as they could possibly go immediately, reflexively, when I feel his tongue working slow, delirium-inducing circles around my clit. Words cannot do justice to how good this feels.
I lean back on my elbows, preparing myself for the orgasm I am on the verge of already and then suddenly, he's gone again.
"And then he'd just stop randomly and then you'd be really sorry," he says with the most insufferable grin I've ever seen.
Oh, Alex. You little bastard.
"Ss…so what?" I pant in a pathetic attempt to appear unaffected.
"So what? Well okay then. If you want to keep disrespecting the monster you'll have to pay the price."
He looks up at me, waiting for my surrender. I sit up and take his head in my hands. I consider shoving it back between my legs but think better of it. Not ready to give in just yet. So I dunk him instead. He comes back up spitting and shaking his head like a wet dog.
"Now you're really in trouble, woman."
He gives a little growl and starts at it again, a little slower this time. He laps gently at me everywhere but the spot and my whole body turns to jello and my hips jerk and twitch against him. Too good. God, it's too too good. I can't believe how long it's been since I've felt this. I feel like I'm gorging after a two week hunger fest.
When he starts thrusting his tongue slowly in and out of me I'm reduced to whimpering.
"Oh Gahh….Don' sstop," I beg, shamelessly and of course, he does.
I try to stare him down and he grins at me like the big jerk that he is.
"So you see, it might be for the best if you just appease him."
"You think you're just the most adorable thing in the world don't you?"
He chuckles from deep in his throat and licks his lips. God, those lips. I find myself just staring at them, willing them back between my legs.
"That's what the monster tells me. He likes me. Because I worship him."
"Well then, I guess you two don't really need me if you've got each other."
"Oh but Dana, we've been so lonely without you."
"You sure? Cause I could just take care of things on my own…"
His eyes light up and sparkle with dewy excitement and he nods slowly in approval.
"I think the monster would like that a lot."
I run my hand through my hair and slowly down to my chest. Taking my breast in my hand and rubbing the hardened nipple between two fingers feels startlingly good and I moan with absolute abandon. I watch him watching me and it feels even better.
"Does this monster of yours like this?" I ask him, making something of a show out of myself.
"Mmmyeah, he's real happy. Do it more."
I run my hand down my torso and start brazenly masturbating right in Alex's face. His gasping and panting are almost as loud as mine as he watches. Sometimes I can't even believe the way he makes me act. I'm usually very quiet when I do this. Leftover pubescent guilt or something. But now I'm mewling like a porn star. Because he likes it. Because I like that he likes it. Because turning him on turns me on more than anything in the world.
After a little bit I start to feel that familiar tingle and I know that if I keep doing this, I'm gonna end up making myself come. I'm not gonna be able to help myself.
"Oh, Aleeex," I whimper and he grabs my hand and pulls it away. He takes the two fingers I was using in his mouth and sucks on them. His eyes flutter shut and he moans, devouring my taste. It's unbearable.
"God, Alex, please…"
Without another word he grabs my hips, pulls me forward and finishes me off with his tongue. My orgasm is so powerful and so fast. It feels like falling out of a window. It feels like dying. I think I finally understand what the hell that means.
When it's over I slide back into the pool and into his embrace. He holds my shaking, spent body for a long time.
"Good?" he whispers into my ear.
"I saw stars."
"Hey, whaddya' know, me too."
We both smile and I feel him pressing against me again. God, I want him inside me. I want him in me right now.
And lucky for me, he wants that too.
I lift my legs and wrap them around his waist and he needs no further encouragement.
"Bozhe Moy," he grunts as he pushes into me. I'm pretty sure that means "My God". This translation thing is all about context.
It's been so long that it actually hurts me a little bit but more than that it fills me with a sweet, tingling thrill that I can't begin to describe.
He starts out slowly, trying to draw it out, but I have no patience left. I urge him on by digging my heels into the small of his back, pulling him deeper.
"More," I whisper into his ear and it seems to be all he needs to hear. He starts fucking me, fast and hard, slamming me against the wall, and I throw my head back and moan.
No matter how we start it always ends like this. We can be tender and loving, we can be silly and carefree, we can be passionate and intense. But when we get to this point we can't seem to stop ourselves from going at it like dogs in heat. There's a place we bring each other to, a desperate, crazy place, and we never fail to get there together.
"Feels so good…you feel so good," he croons and I grab a hunk of his damp, mussy hair and pull his face to mine. His tongue darts around inside my mouth and then slides down my throat and I love it. I really do. I feel like he's everywhere.
I remember a conversation, a long long time ago, when Roseanne told me what it was like to have sex with Alex Krycek. She said that the whole world seems to disappear. That the only thing that exists is you and him fucking. That it's like being swept up into a tornado. Her words, not mine. I remember thinking how silly it sounded and yet finding myself unavoidably intrigued. I think I know what she was talking about now. I like to believe that what I've experienced with him, what I am experiencing right now, is what Roseanne described times twenty. Times one hundred thousand. I think that it is. Because he didn't love Roseanne.
He loves me. Me.
And everything else disappears. I look up at the stars in the sky but they don't register anymore. All I see and hear and feel and taste is Alex. The smell of his sweat, the scrape of his teeth and tickle of his tongue against the skin on my neck, the quivering of the muscles in his arm as he holds me up against him, the smooth heat of his chest, his heart beating against my breast, his throat, Adam's apple bobbing as he sucks in sharp, heaving breaths, his sex, pulsing, thrusting inside of me. This is what I feel, what I am.
I don't feel the cold that I know must be hitting the wet, exposed, upper part of my torso. I don't feel the grinding of the skin on my back against the cement of the pool side.
I feel…oh, I feel…
I feel my hands resting on his shoulders and I feel the early tremors of an outstandingly long and delicious orgasm wracking my body. I dig my nails into his flesh, drawing blood, marking him. Mine. He is mine.
His teeth are clamped tight on the side of my neck and when he slides his hand down my back to clutch my ass, he growls and shakes his head like a puppy chewing rawhide. It should hurt but it doesn't. It pushes me on even further. And then I feel his fingers moving down, exploring. He reaches the place where we're joined and feeling him touch me there is enough to end things for me.
"Oh God, Alex, oh MY GOD," I cry out and he pounds into me like a lunatic. I come twice and sometime in between I feel him expanding and exploding inside me. His orgasmic scream reverberates in the room and it's just about the loudest thing I've ever heard in my life.
As he's coming down he holds me against him and, continuing to jerk into me, whispers, "love you, love you, love you." It makes my chest constrict in that now familiar combination of panic and joy and delirium. I think this is the first time anyone has ever said that to me and meant it in this kind of situation.
I cover his face and his neck and those beautiful eyelashes with kisses and sag against him.
"Thank you, Alex," I murmur into his ear and he squeezes me tighter. We stay like that for a few minutes in silence and then I hear a noise. A small, thumping sound. Almost like someone's here. I lift my head and look around nervously and so does Alex.
"What's that?" I ask.
"I think it's the pool monster," he tells me with a grin. I think I'm too tired and spent to care. I think I'm dazed enough to believe him.
"Let's go home, Alex."
End Chapter Six
Continued in Chapter Seven
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