TITLE: World Without End:
Book Two (3/?)
AUTHOR: Rachel Anton
E-MAIL: RAnton1013@aol.com
"What the fuck do you mean she let him out?!"
"Um, she, uh…she told us you approved his release, sir."
Goddammit. What the hell does that crazy woman think she's doing? I can't even believe she'd have the gall, not only to lie to one of my men but to lie to ME. Right to my fucking face.
I'm going for a walk, Alex. I need a little fresh air, Alex. No, you don't need to come with me, Alex. I'll only be a little while.
Fucking-A.
"Where did they go?"
"I think…I think she took him to a room, sir."
"What room?"
"Probably in Dakin I guess. That's where most of the empty rooms are."
Stupid sonofabitch's been here what, three days? Already my authority has been undermined and the only person in the world who I was absolutely certain would never ever lie to me about anything has lied to me about something. It's gotta be Mulder. Who else could cause so much misery in my life in seventy two short hours?
I can't even yell at these guys for taking Dana's orders without question. I'm the one who trained them to do that in the first place. I never thought she'd use that against me.
By the time I get to Dakin, I can practically feel the blood boiling underneath my skin.
It doesn't take long to find the little shit. He's certainly not bothering with discretion. They've moved him into a room on the first floor and he's sitting there with the door wide open, bouncing up and down on the bed with his back turned. Nice to see that he's made himself at home so quickly. Obviously living amongst the drones has dulled his survival instincts.
"Couldn't you have gotten me a waterbed, Scully?"
"No, but I'm sure we can arrange to have you sleep in the river."
His head whips around and he looks frightened for a split second and then cocky as hell.
"What the hell is going on here, Mulder?"
"Looks like I've been upgraded. You know, I'm glad you're here cause I've got a few complaints about my previous accommodations. Is that how you treat all your guests?"
"Just the ones with oil running through their veins."
I hear a sigh from behind me and Dana brushes past me, carrying a bundle of used clothing.
"Oh good," Mulder says to her. "I was about to call security. Scully, I don't mean to complain, but I seem to have a rodent problem in my room."
Such a funny fucking guy.
She looks back and forth between us nervously and sighs again.
"Dana, can I talk to you for a second?" I ask in the flattest, least infuriated tone I can muster.
"I…" she starts but doesn't finish because Mulder can't resist interrupting.
"You don't have to, Scully." He tells her, jumping to his feet in some sort of pseudo-protective gesture. Always gotta stick his huge-assed nose into every fucking thing.
"Mulder, stay out of this. It doesn't concern you."
"Like hell it doesn't! Who the hell do you think you are, barking commands at her like that?"
"Barking co…Mulder, sit down and shut up."
He moves closer so that he's standing right in front of me, eye to eye, his stupid face the only thing in my sight.
"Why don't you make me, tough guy?"
"All right! That's enough!" Dana shouts, tossing the clothes onto Mulder's bed. It takes all the self control I've got not to beat that fucking smirk off his mouth.
"Mulder, these are your keys, your meal card, and your rations card," she says, retrieving these items from her pockets and dumping them on his desk. "Enjoy your stay at the Enchanted Commune. I'll see you both later."
She walks past me again and towards the door and I start to follow her but Mulder jumps between us.
"Wait, Scully, where are you going?"
"I'm going for a walk. Goodbye."
"Wait, I…I'll come with you," he tells her, obviously missing the implication of the word GOODBYE. Then he reaches out to touch her arm but before he can get to her I catch his wrist in my hand.
"Don't touch her," I warn him. His look of confusion and disbelief tells me that whatever these two have talked about today, it didn't include her relationship with me. She didn't tell him. She didn't fucking tell him and now he thinks I'm acting like a psycho and he's got the fucking right to put his hands all over her.
He tries to pull his hand away but I squeeze his wrist tighter.
"Don't."
A look of alarm passes briefly over Dana's face and she glances imploringly at me.
"Mulder, I just really need to be alone now, okay?"
"Oh…uh, okay, of course," he mumbles but I still can't seem to let go of him. I feel like I need to hold him in place until she's out of sight.
When she does walk away I realize that I better forget about Mulder for now and go after her or I'll lose her again. I drop his arm and give him a final glare and start walking out into the hallway. Dammit, she's already gone. She must have fucking run.
"Wait!" Mulder calls after me and this time he grabs my arm. "She said she wanted to be alone."
"Get out of my face, Mulder."
"Leave her alone."
God, this is just too much. It's all too fucking much.
"Look, I don't know who the hell you think you are but you've got no right, no FUCKING right to talk to me like that."
"Oh and why's that? Cause you're the big boss man? I'm not afraid of you, Krycek. And I'm not gonna let you boss her around and and…brainwash her anymore!"
Brainwash? Is that what he thinks? That she'd only be here with me if I had some kind of fucking Jedi mind control power over her brain or something? My desire to tell him just exactly how much she wants to be here and why is almost enough to outweigh my desperate need to talk to her immediately. But not quite. Not yet. Besides, she should be the one to tell him. Not me. He'd never believe it from me anyway and I damn well want him to believe it.
"Listen to me you son of a bitch," I tell him, pulling my sleeve out of his hand. "As far as I'm concerned, you're lucky to even be alive. Don't test me, Mulder. I'm warning you. Stay out of my business, stay out of my face."
"And I'm warning you, if you do anything else to hurt her, I'll kill you."
"Hurt her? Oh that's rich, Mulder. This coming from the person who's hurt her more than anything else ever has or ever could."
I'm not surprised to feel his fist colliding with my jaw. It's certainly not the first time Mulder has expressed himself to me in this fashion. But I am surprised by the fact that finding Dana is still the most pressing concern on my mind. I don't have time to stand here and fight with him.
"All the punches in the world aren't gonna change the facts, Mulder. And the fact is, I haven't done a damn thing to hurt her. Now don't make me hurt you."
He backs away from me a fraction and runs his hand through his hair. His fingers are splattered with my blood. Great. I wonder if my lip is starting to swell yet. So nice to have Mulder back.
"Just get out of my room, Krycek. Just…go," he tells me, and I do because I'm seriously afraid that if I stay, I might kill him.
It takes me almost twenty minutes to find Dana and when I do, when I call after her and run up to her side, she doesn't slow down even a little bit. Those small legs move pretty damn fast.
She's walking on the trail between the dorms and the lab. I don't think she's going to work though. I think she's headed beyond the lab, into the forest. She has this tendency to run off to the forest when she's upset. Especially when it's fucking freezing out.
"Dana! What the hell was that about?"
"What was what about?" she asks, still walking, still not looking at me.
"You just, just let him go? Invite him to live here? Without even consulting with me about it?"
"He's harmless, Alex."
"Harmless? Dana, we don't even know who he really is, if he's even really Mulder."
"It's Mulder," she says, with a finality that unnerves me.
"We don't even know why he's here."
"It is him and I know why he's here."
"Well, care to share?"
She pulls her jacket tightly around her body as the wind picks up and blows through us.
"He's here to see me."
And this is supposed to put me at ease how?
"To see you."
"Yes, that's what he told me."
"And you just believe him? Unconditionally?"
She finally stops walking and turns on her heel to face me. Some snow swirls around in the air and lands on her hair.
"Yes I believe him and speaking of not consulting with people, who the hell do you think you are, keeping him caged like a goddamn animal and not consulting with ME about that?!"
"I didn't…I didn't wanna upset you. God, Dana, what the hell was I supposed to do with him? I thought he was a danger to us, to everybody."
"First of all, you had no idea if he was a danger or not. Second of all, there's no excuse for keeping someone in isolation, feeding them next to nothing, not even giving them enough water to keep from becoming dehydrated…"
"He seems healthy enough," I mumble, rubbing my chin dismally. I think my lip is still bleeding.
"And third of all, Alex, this has got nothing to do with the safety of the group or anything else other than the fact that he poses some kind of threat to you. Personally." She whispers that last word like it's some kind of profanity. God forbid I should take things personally.
"Oh does he now? I didn't realize that."
She closes her eyes and shakes her head and I feel a sickening heaviness in my stomach all of a sudden. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
"I'm going to keep walking, Alex. And I don't want you to follow me."
"Dana, don't. It's so cold. Just…just come inside."
I touch her shoulder and she jerks away.
"I'll come inside when I'm good and ready. And I won't have you telling me when!"
"Dana…"
"Please give Ret some water. I'll be home in an hour or so."
I shrug, resigned to the end of this bizarre train wreck of a conversation and she starts to walk away.
"Devotchka, wait! At least…at least keep warm."
I take off my jacket and drape it over her shoulders. I guess I should be grateful that she doesn't toss it into the snow and spit on it at this point.
*************************
I used to come to these woods when I was lonely, when I thought that the pain of missing Mulder would destroy me. The way the ice looks on the tree branches, the sound of the water in the stream that never seems to freeze running over the rocks, the way the air burns the back of my throat when I breathe it in, these things all remind me of that emptiness, that longing. At first I resented the sameness of nature, its refusal to change despite the fact that my entire world had fallen apart. But gradually I came to take comfort in it.
I haven't been here in a long time. It looks different today. I wonder what that means.
I wonder what I'm going to do.
Once upon a time, I would have done anything, killed, died, walked through fire, to see this day. To see Mulder, alive, with me. Here. He's here.
And now…now…
Now all I can think is; How the hell am I going to keep Mulder and Alex from killing each other? And all I can feel is…
Cold. God, it's so cold.
I should really be getting back. Alex is going to start worrying soon. It's been almost two hours.
By the time I get home, it's almost dark out. I pause outside the door for a moment, mentally preparing myself for a continuation of the ridiculous argument from before, but when I walk inside I am surprised to find Alex sound asleep on the couch.
God, what a stark contrast to the ripping mad man in black I was just fighting with a couple of hours ago. He's changed into a pair of beaten up, old, gray sweatpants, and a worn out, burgundy shirt with three buttons at the top, all of which are undone. He's got a book resting on top of his chest and Ret sprawled over his stomach and both dog and man are snoring away, oblivious to the fact that I'm watching them. His hair is a little damp and mussed. Must have taken one hell of a good shower while I was gone.
It would feel so good to lay down next to him, to curl up into him and just forget…everything.
I close the door softly but his eyes flutter open with the sound.
"Hey babe," he smiles at me, his voice scratchy from sleep.
"Hi."
I take off his jacket and then mine and hang them by the door, eyeing him cautiously and wondering when he's going to remember that we were fighting.
He yawns and stretches and rubs his eyes. Then he tells me, "I made pasta for dinner. It's on the stove if you want some."
I walk over to the stove and sure enough there's a pot full of spaghetti with tomato sauce simmering on top.
Who is this man and what did he do with that pissed off guy I was talking to before?
I guess I should be asking but I really don't even care. It's so nice to have some peace.
I stand over the stovetop and start eating right out of the pot, so suddenly hungry that I can't even stand the thought of waiting long enough to get a plate. It's nice and hot and it warms my insides.
After a minute or so I feel an arm around my stomach and a wet head against my neck.
"Jesus, Dana, you're freezing. I wish you wouldn't stay out there so long when it's like this."
"I…I needed some time. To…think," I tell him, my mouth full of noodles.
"And did you?"
Good question. Does it count as thinking if you're more confused after than you were to start with?
"Um…I guess, yeah. A bit. I dunno, you seem a lot more relaxed than I am. Maybe I should have just come back here."
"Well, I've…I've been doing some thinking myself."
"Oh yeah? Anything profound?"
"I realized that there are things, things in this world that are very important to me. And that I have to be careful to take care of those things…"
Oh God. I think I can see where this is going. If he tells me he put Mulder in a cage to "protect me" so help me God… So much for peace.
"I understand that, Alex but…"
"And I'm not going to be able to care for those things if I'm wasting all my time fighting with Mulder."
He kisses my neck and then steps back and to the side so that I can see his face. He looks sincere. God, I hope he's sincere. I smile and shovel more food into my face.
"That's some good thinking there, Captain."
"I also realized that…that I love you. I love you very much, and I should tell you that. So…uh, I love you, Dana. Love you."
At first I'm pretty sure that the last fifteen seconds have been a figment of my imagination. Then I look into those eyes and see that soft smile and the way he's shifting around on his feet and swallowing over and over and shaking and…
God. I am not hungry at all anymore. In fact, I think I want to spit out the food that's already in my mouth. Just thinking about swallowing makes my stomach churn. God.
What if I throw up?
Oh, God.
When I was sixteen years old I got my first speeding ticket. I had just gotten my license and I was cruising down the freeway in my father's cadilac, on the way to the beach to meet my friend Sylvia. I didn't realize that I was going that fast. I just wasn't paying attention.
I'll never forget the way I felt when I saw those red lights flashing in my rearview mirror. I was in such deep shit and I had no idea how I was going to get out of it. How I was going to explain to my parents.
Why do I feel the same way right now? Is it because of Mulder? Is it because I'm thinking that there might be another chance for me and Mulder? Do I really think that? Would Alex have even said it if Mulder weren't here? Does it make a difference since I know that he's telling me the truth no matter what brought it on?
God. Swallow.
"Um, Dana…"
He reaches up to his chin in a gesture that says, "you're drooling" and I wipe at my face.
"Wh…where?"
"Here," he points to a spot right under my lip. Then he leans in and licks the dribble of sauce off my chin. And then he's kissing me and the panic and confusion give way for a moment to sheer elation. He loves me. Oh, God, he loves me.
I need to sit down.
My trembling legs manage to carry me over to the couch, which is still warm from Alex's body. I sit down and Ret flops on my lap, looking for more attention. I pet him absently and Alex sits on the floor next to my legs.
I want to talk to him but my throat is so dry and I don't know what to say anyway so I just sit there. He doesn't say anything else for a long time either and I wonder what he's thinking, what he's feeling. He's probably scared out of his mind.
Then he starts untying my boots. It takes him quite awhile but eventually he gets both of them completely unlaced and pulls them off my feet. Then he removes my thick, wool socks. He laughs when he reaches the thinner, cotton, under-layer of sock.
"Where's your feet?
"I think they're under those."
He looks up at me with another smile and takes them off. My toes wiggle, happy to be in the open air finally. He takes my left foot in his hand and starts gently massaging the arch and my head falls back against the couch. I sigh with contentment even though my insides are still churning.
I let my eyes close and my brain turn off so that I can enjoy this wonderful foot massage fully. After a few minutes I actually start to feel like I might fall asleep.
But then, from far away, I hear a voice.
"…wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."
"Hmmwha…?"
"I…I said that I've been thinking about some…stuff. From the past. From our past. And, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for anything I did that hurt you. I…I didn't mean to hurt you, Dana. It wasn't…it was never something I wanted."
It hurts to do so but I open my eyes again.
"Past…?"
"I just, I wanted to maybe explain. To talk about it, you know. Because I…"
"Alex, what are you talking about?"
He stops massaging and turns his head up to look at me. He's grimacing like he's in pain. I don't remember the last time I saw such fear in his eyes. Maybe the first time we made love…
"I'm…I'm talking about what I did, Dana. All the things I did that ended up hurting you. Before. Before you were here…you know?"
Oh my God. What is he doing? What is he trying to do to me?
"Alex, wait. Let's…let's not."
"But…"
"It's not, it's not necessary."
"Not necessary?"
"No. It's…"
"Does that mean that you forgive me, Dana? That you understand why…"
"Alex, it's not…it's not necessary. My past with you started five years ago."
"But it…"
"My past with you started five years ago. The rest doesn't matter. It doesn't count. So…so let's not talk about it, okay?"
He shrugs and looks down and I swear to God if I didn't know any better, I'd say he looked like he was about to cry.
"Um…yeah, okay. I just thought….well, I just love you, so I…I dunno."
"Alex, what happened to your lip?"
Yes, I noticed it before now. Yes, I have a pretty good idea what happened. Yes, I am desperate to change the subject, even if it makes him angry to talk about it.
"Mulder," he grumbles.
"It's all swollen. We should put some ice on it."
I pull my foot out of his hand and walk over to the kitchen area to find some ice and a bag to put it in.
"Dana, you…you should probably tell him. About us, you know? You should tell him that I'm in love with you."
God, Alex. Please stop saying it. I don't know what to do with it.
"I…I will. I will tell him. I just…haven't had a good opportunity yet."
I grab some ice cubes and put them in a plastic bag and I wonder if a good opportunity for such a thing could possibly exist.
"Just…do it soon, devotchka. Do it soon."
End Chapter Three
Continued in Chapter Four
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