TITLE: World Without End (4/?)
AUTHOR: Rachel Anton

xxxxxx

"Dammit, what the hell is taking them so long?"

Bryan looks up from the dog-eared, old book he's been 
reading, startled by my outburst, and shrugs.  For 
some reason the gesture makes me want to smack him.   
Bryan's a wonderful guy but when you spend every 
waking minute with someone even a shrug can be enough 
to make a person positively homicidal.  Especially 
when that person is on edge as it is.

Bryan is my body guard now.  I'm the only person here 
who's got one.  I didn't ask for one.  He didn't ask 
to be one.  And yet, here we are.  Krycek decided to 
"give" him to me when he made me his second in 
command a few months ago.  He seemed to think the  
position would put me in constant peril but so far I 
haven't seen any signs of that.  I asked why he 
didn't have one himself if the whole thing was so 
dangerous and he just snorted.  He's cheated death so 
many times I guess he thinks he's just too damn 
immortal for a body guard.  I hope he's right.

He's been gone for almost a week now.  Too damn long.  
It should have only taken two days for them to travel 
to the site, two days back, give or take one day for 
complications.  Five days.  Six at the very outside.  
It's been seven days.

He took a pretty small party, only about fifteen men, 
because the plan was to kill only one person.  A 
scientist, if you could call him that, one of the 
genetic engineers, one of the butchers.  It was my 
idea.  He seemed like a strategically wise target, 
someone with access to tons of information, and a 
bastard to boot.

My stupid idea.  If something has gone wrong, I'm not 
sure what I'll do.

I've been spending every day since they left, working 
in the lab, trying to keep my mind off the danger I 
might have put them in and trying like hell not to 
wonder why I've been worried about Krycek since the 
minute he walked out the door.

I miss you, Mulder.  Every day, I miss you.  But this 
work, it's been helping.  It's given me something to 
live for.  I like to think that you would be proud of 
me.  I like to think that you're here with me, 
helping me solve the mysteries of this life.  I can 
still feel you here.  I don't think that will ever 
change.

It's strange to find myself starting to care for 
another person.  Not the way I care for you, Mulder.  
Nothing in this world could ever compare to what we 
shared.  And the thought of growing attached to 
someone the way I was to you, or even to my family, 
to anyone that I've lost, terrifies me to the root of 
my being.  I vowed a long time ago never to let 
myself be hurt that way again.  I've learned my 
lesson.  But Krycek has given me a lot.  And I think 
he's a good man Mulder.  I can almost hear you 
laughing at that.  It's true though.  He can be hard 
and cold and insufferably self-serving but he saved 
me.  He saved me so many times and in so many ways 
that I've lost track at this point.  And I've seen 
glimpses, momentary peeks at what goodness there is 
in him.  There is kindness there, and a strange kind 
of sweetness.

I look up at the clock for the twentieth time in an 
hour and then back to the microscope.  Everything 
under there is starting to look the same.  I'm 
starting to think I might be done for the day.  I 
don't want to leave though.  If I leave, it means 
that another day is over and they're still not back.

"Bryan, I think you can go now.  I'm gonna head back 
to my room in a few minutes."

"You sure, Doc?  The boss'll be mad if..."

"Bryan, please.  I need to be alone for a little bit.  
I'll be fine."

He nods in understanding and makes a hasty exit.  
It's rare that I tell him to leave me the hell alone 
but when I do, he usually listens.  I'm sure he'll 
stay close though, definitely not out of ear shot.  
And Ret is here, sitting quietly in the corner.  He's 
turned out to be the most docile, obedient dog I've 
ever known in my life.  He's also fiercely protective 
of me and provides effective guard dog service.

I start to clean up the area a little bit, put some 
things in order, dust the equipment.  Now that I am 
truly alone my thoughts travel back to places I've 
been avoiding.

I talked to Roseanne this afternoon.  She told me 
some very strange things.  Things about Krycek.  
Apparently he used to be sort of, well, I suppose 
slutty is the best word for it.  She said that before 
I came here, he slept around the campus like a 
drunken college freshman and that he'd broken many a 
heart in the process.  She also told me that during 
the two years I've been here, he hasn't been with 
anyone.  I don't know why she told me that.  I don't 
think I really wanted to know that.  I almost asked 
her if she was one of his conquests but I was afraid 
of the answer.

I watched her for the rest of the day, keeping an eye 
out for any signs of heartbreak and for a clue about 
why she felt the need to share this little bit of 
information with me today.  Maybe she could tell that 
I was thinking about him, that I was scared.  When 
she left she put her hand on my shoulder and said, 
"He'll be fine.  He always is."  I smiled and nodded 
and tried not to let it show that I wasn't so sure 
about that.

All right, I've done everything but the windows.  I 
guess it really is time to go.  As I start to gather 
my things Ret stands and starts barking wildly.  The 
door flies open and for a minute I am so happy to see 
him back and alive that I don't notice what he looks 
like.

"Scully!  Scully!!"

He runs up to me and my eyes adjust to the sight of 
him.  He's an absolute mess.  His face is dirty and 
sweaty and his jeans are ripped and the white of the 
T-shirt he's wearing under that leather jacket is 
stained a deep crimson.  Ret has run to his side and 
is sniffing him and whimpering with concern.

"Krycek, oh my God, what happened to you?"

"What?  I'm fine.  Scully, look at this!"

He reaches into his jacket pocket and produces two 
computer disks.  He shoves them at me with the 
biggest smile I've ever seen.

"Look, look what I got," he says again, sounding like 
a ten year old who just got an A on his book report.  
I take the disks from him without even glancing at 
them and put them on a table.

"Krycek, sit down and let me examine you."

"What?  Scully, no, you've gotta look at these.  
Get...ahhh...get the computer."

"I'll look at them later.  God, you're covered with 
blood."

I move closer to him and try to pull his jacket off 
and lead him to a chair but he's moving all over the 
place.  Ret barks again and runs in a circle, 
imitating Krycek's hyperactivity.

"I don't think it's mine.  Look, Scully, I think this 
is it.  I think this is what we've been looking for.  
What you wanted Scully.  I think it's in the...in the 
disks."

"Krycek, I don't care what's in the disks right now.  
It's not gonna do us any good if you...God, will you 
just sit down!"

"Scully, I'm..."

He wobbles a little bit and finally gropes around for 
the chair I've been trying to force him into.  He 
sits down with a grunt and wipes his brow.

"I'm fine.  I'll be fine.  We've gotta...we need 
to...um...see what...ahhh," he groans inarticulately 
as I pull his jacket off.  The right sleeve of his 
shirt is completely soaked in blood.

"I'm gonna take off your shirt," I tell him, looking 
around for a knife to cut it open with.  I find a 
pair of scissors and move back to him.  He's fucking 
smiling again.

"First me then you.  How 'bout it, Doctor?"

I cut a line down the center of his shirt and slowly, 
as gently as I can manage it, peel back the right 
side.  Just as I suspected.  He's got a fucking 
bullet hole in his shoulder.  God, there's so much 
blood.  I don't even understand how he's still 
conscious.  He must be running on pure adrenaline.

Ret is still hovering and making noises, adding to 
the chaos although he is trying to be helpful, and I 
tell him gently, but firmly, to get the hell out of 
my way.  He trots back a few feet and sits down to 
watch us with interest.

"Krycek, you've been shot."

He shrugs and then winces with the pain of the 
movement.

"It's just a graze.  Went right through.  Scully 
we..."

"We need to get you to the infirmary.  Right now."

My voice sounds shrill and terrified.  God, I'm close 
to panic.  How did I get like this?

"Scully...we lost Curtis."

I don't know how to react to that.  I barely knew him 
but I know he was one of Krycek's best soldiers.  
It's terrible really but all I can seem to think 
about right now is the fact that Krycek is sitting 
here bleeding all over my hands.

"Oh...oh, God.  Any others?"

"No but a few injuries.  Minor injuries."

"As minor as yours?  Jesus, Krycek what are you doing 
here?  Why didn't you go right to the infirmary?  Why 
didn't they take you..."

"I wanted to give these to you.  I'll be fine.  Just 
go see what's on the...on the...disks."

"That can wait.  It can...oh God..."

It finally occurs to me to call for help and I do, at 
the top of my lungs.  I think Bryan is still outside 
somewhere.  Somebody's gotta be around.  Somebody's 
gotta be able to help.

"Scully, Jeez, stop shouting.  You're 
gonna....you....oh...I don't feel so good all of a 
sudden."

His eyes slip shut and he slumps down in the chair.  
I kneel down next to him and wipe some of the sweat 
off his forehead.

"It's okay.  It's gonna be okay.  You're gonna be 
fine.  Just fine..."

Bryan rushes in and stops dead in his tracks when he 
sees Krycek.

"Doctor Scu...oh my God."

"Bryan, I need you to get down to the infirmary and 
get a stretcher.  And get a nurse to come down here 
with you.  Tell them that Krycek's been shot and that 
he needs to be anesthetized and prepped for surgery 
right away."

"How did this happen D..."

"Don't ask questions!  Just do it!"

"Is..."

"Do it NOW!"

He scurries away, quite terrified, and I turn back to 
Krycek.  He seems to be flitting in and out of 
consciousness.

"Don' need surjaaarry.  Wen' righ' trough," he 
murmurs without opening his eyes.

"There might still be fragments.  And we need to 
clean it out and that's going to hurt like hell if 
you're conscious."

"Mmm, jus' need a few stitches."

"Jesus Krycek, do you wanna get gangrene and lose 
your other arm?  Just shut up and let me take care of 
it all right.  I *am* a doctor, remember."

"Mmm...doctoorr," he mutters and drifts off again.  
God, where the hell is that nurse?  Part of me wants 
to run to the infirmary myself and get everything I 
need to perform the procedure right here.  But I 
don't want to leave him.  I'm afraid if I leave him 
that when I come back...God, Krycek.  Don't you dare 
die.  Not you too.  Please God, don't let him die.

xxxxxx

When I wake up, I am screaming.  Like getting 
startled out of a terrifying dream.  Except that this 
isn't a dream.  This is my life.  It takes me a 
moment or two to realize that I'm not in the middle 
of a battle.  When I feel someone touching me I grope 
frantically for my weapon.  Until I open my eyes.

"You...I, um...Whoa..."

I am suddenly dizzy from the effort of sitting fully 
upright and lean against the slightly raised back of 
the bed.

"Are you all right, Krycek?"

"I hurt everywhere," I whine before giving it a 
moment's consideration.  Stupid, stupid fuck.  Could 
try to be at least *slightly* courageous here.

But then she runs a cool washcloth over my forehead 
and gives me a thousand watt smile of encouragement 
and I think maybe being a wuss has its advantages.

"What the hell happened, Scully?"

And while we're at it, how the hell did I end up 
naked?  Whoever took my clothes off also took the 
liberty of removing my prosthetic and I suddenly feel 
even more pathetic sitting here like this.  At least 
she's sitting on my right side.

"You don't remember?"

Images start coming back to me slowly.  Finding the 
disks and...

"I remember Curtis."

She nods sadly.

"I was in this room, this huge-assed mainframe room 
Scully and there were disks, data cassettes.  I 
grabbed what I could but there were soldiers coming 
and Curtis, he...God, he never had a chance Scully.  
They didn't see me though."

"But you still managed to get yourself shot."

"No, not at first.  I ran for it and then when they 
saw me they opened fire and...Scully, did you look at 
the disks?"

"Yes, I did.  There's a lot of very useful 
information on them."

Thank God.

"Curtis died for that information, Scully."

"I know.  I...I don't know if this was such a good 
idea after all."

"What?"

I can't even believe she would say such a thing.  
Christ, it's what we've been working for all this 
time.  It's what she wanted.

"I think I was wrong, Krycek.  I think...I think that 
it's too much of a risk."

This must be about Curtis.  She must be feeling 
guilty that he died on a mission she sent him on.  I 
know that feeling pretty damn well myself.  But she's 
got to know that that's always a risk.

"Scully, come on, he knew the danger.  I don't think 
he would have wanted it any other way..."

"I don't want you to do anything like that again," 
she blurts out in a shaky voice, almost sounding as 
if she's close to tears.

"Me?"  Okay, maybe this isn't just about Curtis.  It 
couldn't be about me though.  What does she care 
about me?  "But Scully, what about..."

"Just don't.  Just...just please don't."

"What about procuring valuable information, Doctor 
Scully?  What about your work?  Our work?"

"It's not...It's not worth it, Krycek.  Not if 
you..."

Her hand flutters up to cover her mouth and she looks 
away from me.  Her eyes are filling with moisture.  
God, Scully, I wish...I don't know what I wish.

"If I...?"

She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths but 
still leaves her unfinished sentence dangling in the 
air.

"Scully?"

"Dammit, Krycek, I can't watch you die.  Not you 
too."

"Hey, Scully, I'm not gonna die.  Come on.  I've got 
at least two or three of my nine lives left over.  
I'm still here.  I'm not..."

"It could have been you.  It could have been you just 
as easily as Curtis."

"Scully, it always could be me.  But it wasn't.  And 
as much as I'm glad to know that you like me alive, 
you know I can't promise something like that.  Not in 
my position."

I wish I could.  That's what I wish.  I wish I could 
give her everything she wants including my safety.  
God, I can't even believe that she cares.

She nods quickly and wipes her eyes, still refusing 
to look me in the eye.

"I know.  I know that.  I just...I'm just..."

"Just what?"

"I'm scared.  I don't...I don't want to lose you.  I 
haven't got anybody else."

That one sentence makes all the physical pain I've 
been feeling vanish without a trace.  It's me.  She 
doesn't want to lose *me*.  I feel like my heart is 
closing in on itself.  It's almost painful but in a 
different way.  No one has ever...I mean, I know that 
the people here would be upset if I died, upset in 
the same way a country is upset when the president 
dies, but they would move on, find another leader.  I 
don't know if anyone would miss me personally.  I 
don't know if there's ever been someone who would 
miss me personally.  I don't think so.  I don't think 
anyone in the world has ever really given a shit if I 
lived or died, except in regards to how that might 
benefit them or perhaps be a detriment.

I'm so shocked that for a minute I don't even know 
what to say.  I actually feel choked up.  I can't 
remember the last time that happened.

"I'm sorry, Krycek.  I'm just being selfish.  You did 
a wonderful thing and it's going to help us all.  I 
should be congratulating you for..."

"You're all I have too, Scully."

She turns and finally looks at my face.  Then she 
smiles and takes my hand in hers.  I have to resist 
the urge to tug on it and pull her onto my lap.  I 
just want to lie here, cradling her and kissing her 
face forever.  What the hell is happening to me?  
What in the world made me say that?  It must be the 
meds because I can't seem to stop it.

"It's more...more than I've ever had in my entire 
life, Scully.  What you're saying to me now, it..."

God, how do I put this into words that don't render 
me even more pathetic and emasculated?  Are there 
even words to describe what I'm feeling?  It's not 
really entirely a good feeling.  It feels like eating 
a ten course meal after starving in the desert for a 
year.  Bloated and achy and raw.

"What, Krycek?"

"It's just...you just mean a lot to me, Scully."

"You mean a lot to me too.  So...so try not to get 
yourself killed okay?"

"Um...I'll try, Scully.  I promise."

She's still holding my hand.  I still don't 
understand this.  We just sit there holding hands, 
staring at each other in this weird uncomfortable 
silence for a few minutes and part of me wants her to 
just go away and stop making me feel so strange.  
Part of me wants to make sure she never ever leaves.  
She's so beautiful.  So very beautiful.  It's not 
that I've never noticed that it's just...right here, 
right now, it's almost overwhelming.  It's almost too 
much.

"You should rest," she tells me, finally breaking the 
silence and starting to stand up.

"Wait, Scully, don't...don't leave yet.  Can you 
just..."

I pull on her hand and she sits down again.

"Want me to stay till you fall asleep again?"  she 
asks in the most soothing, syrupy voice I've ever 
heard her use.  Despite my incapacity it does 
something to my body that comes as a completely 
unwelcome shock.  Oh Scully, please stop making me 
feel this way.  I've tried so hard not to want you.  
It's been working so well so far.  I should tell you 
to go.  I should tell you to leave me the hell alone 
and stop touching my face and cooing and telling me 
that you don't want me to die.  I really really 
should.

"Yeah.  Would you?"

xxxxxx

End Chapter Four