Wondering about Wanting

by Roar-ra

Stop staring at them - You know why they're waiting outside that fleabag motel.  The bug under the steering wheel has gone undetected for months now.  Funny how careless they are about car security when they know we've broken in to both their office and apartments on numerous occasions.

I know how this is going to end.  Just another wild goose chase down dark alleys chasing shadows.

Taking liars and murders at their word simply because he `Wants To Believe' and she's willing to follow and listen patiently, occasionally trying to keep him from being taken for a fool - Not that it will do her any good - All help in the form of logic is thrown back in her face in favor of these so called `informants'.  Many of who have been sent specifically to keep them off balance.

Follow the bread crumb trail children… Till you're so lost no one believes your rantings anymore.

Unfortunately it's taken longer - much longer than anyone expected to make the x-files lose credibility.She has kept you alive and afloat far longer than we expected Mulder.  Kept me alive too for that matter (One of her few good deeds I'm sure she would take back if given the chance.)

When did the old men realize what a mistake they'd made?  Did any of us notice the transition form cheerful skeptic and cute but dismissable doctor, to this stunningly strong almost tragic beauty beside you?

I owe her Mulder.  I haven't forgotten that.  Perhaps that's how I can justify wasting time spying on the two of you waiting for this non-existent informant.  Bored out of my mind in the back of this van surrounded by the best surveillance equipment money and buy, listening to you crack those damn sunflower seeds and watching her gaze out the window longingly.

What do you long for Agent Scully?  I see those icy blue eyes search through the car window for something more than whoever gave him the anonymous tip this evening.

I'd love to know what you desire.  Mulder is pathetically easy to read for a manipulator like me.  `His Truth' and `His Scully' are now the only things he cares about.  But you are still an enigma to me.  A beautiful puzzle.

I owe you for saving my life Agent Scully - and though I know you want nothing from me - I would love to be the one to crack that stoic facade and see you smile.  But you will take nothing given from me - I can't even figure out what you would want.

Is it possible you still want Mulder?  Sexually speaking of course.  You've already got him in every other way girl - But what you have with him now no longer seems to make you happy.Your smiles are harder now, Laughter bitter more often than not.  Will having him in your bed make you smile sweetly Scully?  Or is that what you want least?

You're drawing away from him and he's to blind to realize it.  He jokes with you and thinks nothing more of the exasperation in your tone than a flirtatious return of his never too subtle sexual innuendoes.   That man has some serious communication problems.

I've seen hundreds of hours of video surveillance footage from him apartment, feeling sorry for him as her jerks off to video vixens with red hair.  Trying to keep your name off his lips as he comes.  Occasionally he can't help it - and he'll let himself get caught up in the moment past the point of control.  Shouting your name along with curses that sound like a prayer when strung together.  I hope one day he will make some therapist very happy and solve his problems while putting the guys 4 kids through college.

But enough of Mulder - tonight I'm focused on you - You want something Scully and sometimes I'm just crazy enough think I might be able to give you what you need.

I'm not Mulder - nor would I want to be - the only thing I envy him is you.  And I'm trying to figure if it's possible to be everything to you that he is not.

Perhaps it's just my wishful thinking on my part that Mulder might not be the balm to your wounds but rather the salt?

Scully I think we are going to have a chat soon.  Tonight if possible, before I can talk myself out of it, I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in longer than I care to remember Scully.  Already imagining the fun of convincing you I'm the best option for a friend and/or lover for you rather than the last one you'd ever imagine.

How do you manage to make me feel romantic by imagining your reluctance and indignation?  Perhaps it's the challenge and the fun of debunking every one of your logical reasons.

I look at my reflection in the glass and realize I'm smiling like a lovestruck (slightly manical) fool.  I'm already elated at the thought of breaking in to her apartment tonight before she arrives.  What to do and say.

Thank God Mulder is finally calling it a night - after only 3 hours of waiting - I'm impressed, I figured at least another 45 before he conceded to being taken for a fool.  Or perhaps he sensed her dissatisfaction as she gazed through the window and decided to leave early.

He is now pouting and trying to get her to grab a bite to eat with him.  She's turning that down - Good - I didn't want to have to wait through another night of platonic scully/muldering after I've made up my mind to see her tonight.

I'm going to do this no matter how foolish or insane anyone - including myself - thinks it is.  I'm going to see it through.

End

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