Title:  Shopping At Night 

Author:  Janine Marie 

E-Mail Address:  jshultz@ee.net 

Rating:  PG 

Spoilers:  End of the 6th season. 

Keywords:  Scully angst, Krycek/Scully romance(?) 

Summary:  What would have become of Scully had Mulder not 
recovered from the effects of the alien artifact at the 
beginning of this season?
----------------------------------------------------------- 
She made her way into the grocery, very late at night.  It 
had become her habit, her only night out - other than her 
work at the clinic, she rarely left her apartment anymore.  
She had come to love the bright lights, the empty, yet 
still cheerfully decorated aisles.  The lights were so 
bright that they made her eyes water, a sensation that she 
found oddly comforting.  She happened to catch a glance of 
herself in the glass door, looking away immediately.  She 
knew she didn't want to look and see what she had become.  
She avoided her mirror in her run-down bathroom as much as 
possible.

She walked quietly past the empty checkout counters, then 
grabbed a cart and made her way to the produce.  Though the 
fruits and vegetables were ripe and luscious looking, they 
did nothing for her appetite.  Maybe next week she would 
begin to want to eat again.  Sighing to herself, she moved 
on, past the bread and canned food aisles, wandering 
aimlessly, no thoughts in her head.  She rounded the corner 
of the cold dairy cases, placing a pint of milk in her 
cart, and froze in her spot, feeling the hairs on her arm 
stand up - she was face to face with him….

************** 

He had developed the habit many years ago of only coming 
out at night - even before his covert training.  He had 
worked a second shift job, which introduced him to the joys 
of late-night grocery shopping.  He loved it - no screaming 
kids, no doddering, bickering elderly couples to annoy him.  
He could slip in and out quickly, barely noticed by the 
yawning staff.  He appreciated the anonymity even more when 
he was underground.  Now, though he was officially above 
ground, in some ways, he lived even more like a rat.  He 
almost never left his hovel of an apartment - there was 
simply no place for him to go.  He stayed in and did almost 
nothing - rarely even watched TV.  Nothing seemed to hold 
his interest any more.  He was just.......nothing.  Where 
the energy came to leave his place today was a mystery to 
him, but here he was, blinking under the harsh lights.  He 
absent-mindedly picked out a cart and started to move 
through the aisles, looking at nothing...just moving.  
Suddenly, someone rounded the corner and stopped abruptly.  
He froze, staring dumb-founded into her face.......

************************ 

God, she thought, he looks like shit.  He was still tall, 
of course, but not nearly as robust.  He had lost a lot of 
weight, and he cheeks looked hollowed out.  His hair was 
poorly cut and was beginning to show some gray.  She 
noticed how the prosthetic arm hung limply at his side.  
Mainly, she noticed his eyes.  They had often been cruel 
and angry, with a harsh yet intelligent light shining out 
of them.  Now, they looked dull, dead, empty.  Even the 
surprise that registered on his face didn't reach them.  
They were nothing........

************************ 

Jesus, she looks like hell, he thought.  Her hair, once so 
brightly colored, was now dull.  Her clothes were rough and 
raggedly looking, and her shoes were a mess of scuffs.  She 
was so thin and wasted - a shell of her old self.  He 
mostly noticed her eyes - though she attempted to glare at 
him, the glare never reached her eyes.  They were dull, 
empty, hopeless.   He realized his mouth was hanging open 
in shock and abruptly shut it.

************************ 

She felt a rush of something when she saw him, of rush of 
feelings that represented her old self, the one that had 
been dead all these many months.  Disgust, fear, hate, and 
oddly, excitement - a rush of pleasure to be in touch with 
her old self, her old life, the one she spent every moment 
of every day missing.  What could he be doing here?  
Incredulous, she took in his empty cart.  Could it be that 
the rat had to shop?

************************ 

What was she doing here?  This was a horrible, run-down 
neighborhood, suitable for a discarded rat, but not for a 
professional like herself......what was going on here?  Oh, 
yes, he did remember that she had left the bureau, a few 
months after her partner had flipped and had needed to be 
confined, but surely she moved on, working some cushy job 
in some wonderful part of the world, a million miles from 
this nightmare of an address......he glanced at her cart, 
and saw a lone pint of milk in her cart, looking 
forlorn..........

************************ 

She wanted to slap him, to hit and kick him in repayment 
for all of the pain, but the sight of him looking so sad, 
so empty, so impotent stopped her.  She had to do something 
- walk away, turn her back on the pig, but something in her 
wouldn't allow her to turn away.

"Hey, rat boy, funny running into you here."

"I'm surprised you are talking to me"

She was, too........why was she doing it?  Because she knew 
things about him, things that he probably wasn't aware that 
she knew.  In the months since Mulder's illness, she had 
had a great deal of time on her hands, time that had 
allowed to dig much deeper into the truth of all that had 
transpired prior to his illness.  She had learned a great 
deal of things, including information about their favorite 
rat.  His records indicated that he was highly educated, 
trained in all the covert arts, an operative, then his 
records simply stopped - it had taken a great deal of work 
to uncover the truth about him during those years.  What 
she found shocked even her, she who had seen so much 
suffering ......his parents held hostage for many years, 
used was a weapon against him, to get him to perform the 
horrible acts he had performed.  His desperate race to hide 
a sister from them, something that he seemed to have been 
successful in doing.  His father was murdered first, then 
his mother, just a year or so ago...........she could never 
forgive him for what he did, but a small part of her 
started to understand...she had lost part of her family, 
too......all of their family's had been put in harms way 
because of their work.....it had broken her heart many 
times over.  Now, she could feel nothing but 
emptiness.......she knew, it was the same emptiness that 
she saw reflected back in his eyes at her........

************************ 

Why was she talking to him?  He caught something in her 
eyes, almost a glimpse of sympathy...surely she didn't know 
the truth about him...........but he knew about her.  He 
was out of the loop on most of the goings on, but he 
managed to hear about her and her partner......her partner 
had been affected by an alien artifact.  His brain began to 
work in ways that the experts could not explain......the 
result was man whose intellect seemed to be gone, at least 
in the way it was before.  He was afflicted with terrible 
headaches first, then the hallucinations and delusions 
started.  He became, and remained, violent and destructive 
...no amount of medication reduced his agitation.  He 
muttered and screamed, some times coherently, but more 
often not.  He howled and cried, and no one, not even she, 
could offer him comfort.  Eventually, he seemed to adjust 
to his new way of being and calmed down some, but never 
entirely.  He had to be confined 24 hours a day, a 
situation overseen by Diana Fowley, who was seen scribbling 
down his mutterings several times a day.  His partner tried 
everything for months and months, but she could not reach 
him.  He was gone to her, to all of them.  She resigned 
quietly, and disappeared .....until now.  He couldn't 
contain himself - he had to know

"What are you doing here?  In this neighborhood?  At this 
time of night?"

"I live around here, and I need to eat.  I only come here 
at night...fewer people.  Makes me feel less lonely."

He swallowed hard at that statement, shocked because it 
could have come from him - his thoughts and feeling echoed 
back at him.  He closed his eyes for a moment....

************************ 

He looked at her with such shock, such pain, that she now 
felt shocked and in pain.  He closed his eyes and seemed to 
sway a bit, something that surprised her so much, that the 
doctor in her came out, like an old, forgotten memory of 
how to ride a bike.....she stepped forward and grabbed his 
arm, asking "Are you okay?"

His eyes flew open and stare at her for moment, then he 
smiled (a ghastly, empty smile, she noted sadly), and 
seemed to relax some.  He looked down at the hand on his 
arm and says "I'm fine - I am just shocked to see you here.  
Please, how did you end up like this?  Is it because he is 
gone?"

She wanted to slap him for that, though she's not sure why.  
It struck her that she wanted to hit him because he has 
spoken a truth, a painful truth - Mulder's illness, his 
"leaving" her had taken away everything, and she was left 
with nothing......she couldn't seem to bounce back, to put 
herself back together again, something she had always been 
able to do in the past.  Why couldn't she now?  She had 
asked herself that over and over, but she never found a 
satisfactory answer....just that he was gone, and had taken 
her with him........only the shell of her remained, 
pathetically still breathing, still eating but without 
purpose, without love.....only emptiness. God knows, she 
had tried.  She had tried to work with others, but somehow, 
she couldn't connect with them - the mundane concerns of 
their lives.  She had simply seen too much.  She withdrew, 
and tried to repair herself, but she fell deeper and deeper 
into a dark place, despite her best efforts.  How could 
that be?  She couldn't seem to find the answer.

"Maybe it was his illness.......I don't ask myself those 
questions much anymore.  What about you?  How did you end 
up like this?"

************************ 

It was fair game.....he asked her, now she asked him.  How 
indeed?  He had thought about it many times the last few 
months, and he could never seem to come up with the right 
answer.  His family's deaths, his sister being hidden, kept 
apart from him by necessity......he had to hide in plain 
site, as she was their trump card.  As long as he did 
nothing for or against them, they seemed to be content not 
to look for her.  This had kept him in place for a long 
time.  But the inactivity, caused by their control over 
him, along with the all to painful memories of the acts he 
had committed had eaten away at his soul (what little bit 
there was of it, he thought bitterly) and had left him a 
shell of man.  He had no feelings anymore, no desire to do 
anything.  He subsisted, nothing else.  He went without 
human contact for months, and worse, had no desire to 
change it.  He had become, nothing........until this 
moment.  Seeing her reminded him that he had once tried to 
help her and her partner, had once tried to do the right 
thing, despite the constant threat to his family, and his 
reward had been their deaths.  Seeing her stirred that 
desire to help alive again, a small flame in a large, cold, 
dark hall........it shocked him. He wanted to let her know 
about that small flame, in some way..

"I'd heard what had happened to him - I was shocked and 
saddened for him, but mostly for you - for your loss.  I am 
sorry."

Her eyes misted up briefly, and she looked away from him.

************************ 
She was so surprised by his remark that tears sprang to her 
eyes and she had to look away from his eyes, which for the 
first time were shining down at her with something, some 
small light.....she felt that he was reaching out for her 
in some small, sad way.  She suddenly wanted to do the 
same........

"I know about your family, and I am sorry.....I understand 
some of what you did......we all lost so much....I just 
never knew about your losses......."

He nodded at her, but remained silent, and she wondered if 
he was afraid to talk about it, even to her.  She knew all 
too well that there were eyes and ears everywhere, even in 
this awful place at 3:00 in the morning.  She let the 
silence hang for moment, then looked at him, surprised to 
hear voice asking him if he would like a cup of coffee.  
Where did that come from?  God, what was she thinking?  But 
that feeling she had earlier, the feeling of some of her 
old life coming back to her just wouldn't be denied - with 
him, it still existed in a way that it didn't with anyone 
else in her life, at least in this moment.

************************ 

They found themselves sitting at a table, a cruddy table in 
the back of the store, still under those harsh lights, with 
thick black coffee poured from a self serve machine next to 
these seats.  The table was sticky, which fit the moment 
perfectly.  She gripped her coffee cup tightly in her 
hands, but he could still see that they were shaking 
slightly.  When was the last time this woman ate, he 
wondered, but didn't say it at loud.  She brushed her hair 
out of her eyes and looked up at him, a wariness in her 
eyes that almost, but not quite, outshone the slight 
warmth.  He heard himself ask "Do you ever see anyone?'

She laughed sharply, feeling as though she were at some 
surreal high school reunion, then sighed.  "I used to see 
Skinner some, but he just wanted to move on.....seeing me 
was too painful for him, I guess.  He wanted to forget us, 
forget everything that his alliance with us had caused 
him.......he stopped taking my calls.  I think he checks up 
on me occasionally, but I have no proof of that, just a 
feeling.  For a long while, I saw the Lone Gunmen.  When I 
resigned and moved here, I used to seem them in the crowds 
on the street by my apartment ......Byers was always easy 
to spot, but I would always manage to find the other two.  
I think they were really worried about me, though they 
would never confront me....just from a distance.  It has 
happened less often as the months have worn on.  Now, I 
don't see them, though I do occasionally receive strange 
clippings and pictures in my mailbox...never though the US 
Mail, which convinces even more that those come from them.  
Just their way of saying "Hello", I suppose.  I just can't 
seem to bring myself to talk to them - it is just too 
painful." She sighed and looked down into her coffee.

"What about you?"

His turn to sigh. "I never see anybody.  They have all 
washed their hands of me, as I have of them.  They have 
done as much to me as I am going to let them.  I am done, 
and will not look back."

She looked at him with clear eyes, and nodded, but said 
nothing.....there was nothing to say.  She took a sip of 
her coffee and looked at him as he looked at her.  She 
watched in surprise as his face softened under her gaze - 
his face suddenly seemed less hollow, less empty, and more 
human.  He broke into a sad smile, and reached out his 
remaining hand to hers.  She allowed him to take it, 
content to sit this way for some time.  The store was 
almost silent around them - the only sounds were of a clerk 
sweeping up front, and of their steady, calm breathing.  
They stayed that way for a time, until he suddenly turned 
his eyes to the front of the store.  She watched as his 
eyes narrowed ever so slightly.  He turned back to her with 
a shocked expression on his face.

"My God, it's dawn.  How long have we been sitting here?"

She turned and looked at the dawn light, but said nothing.  
She didn't want to move, to leave this moment and go back 
to her earlier life, the empty life.  She watched as he 
slowly turned to her.

"Come with me - back to my place.  It isn't far.  Please."

She found herself nodding.  Almost by instinct, she 
followed his retreating back down the aisles and out the 
door into the light.  He slowed and allowed her to catch 
with him, matching her smaller steps with his larger ones 
(Just like Mulder had to, she thought).  They walked a few 
blocks silently, then he suddenly ran up a set of steps 
into a large, dirty building.  Up a few of flights of 
steps, then to a large door with "42" on the outside.  The 
irony made her smile sadly as he opened the door.  He held 
it for her as she stepped across the threshold and into the 
rat's lair.

They became friends, of a sort - spending time together 
every once in a while.  After that first night of talking, 
they took to calling each other at odd hours, each knowing 
the other would not be caught sleeping.  They spent their 
hours talking about their families, their childhoods - the 
old, innocent days, long before the pain, the knowledge 
that they carried around with them now.  It was always the 
same - whenever either one got close to talking about the 
recent past, each would withdraw, and eventually, they 
would each retreat to their own spaces, away from each 
other.  They simply weren't ready to go there.

The weeks stretched into months, more quickly than she 
could have imagined.  She glanced at her calendar and noted 
with shock that it had been almost 3 years since her 
partner had become ill - could that much time have really 
passed?  She was sitting alone in her apartment, the dark 
cave to which she had retreated those many months ago.  Her 
new friend and she rarely met at their places - she had 
seen his only once since their initial meeting.  It was 
much like hers, a reflection of the neighborhood - run down 
and dark.  His place was much tidier than she expected, 
with masculine, simple touches everywhere.  Lots of dark 
wood furniture, books everywhere.......hers was a little 
more feminine, with more pastels, and more books (books 
that she knew remained unread, her brain unable to focus 
long enough to even finish one chapter, let alone an entire 
book).  She looked at her bare bones living room, finding 
herself surprised to be thinking about ways to brighten it 
up a bit - perhaps a plant or two, maybe a new 
light.........she jumped slightly as the phone rang in the 
kitchen.

"Hey"

"Hey, yourself.  Did you eat today?"

She was always slightly amused and amazed when he asked her 
that; for some reason, he thought that she never ate, never 
took care of herself (she couldn't face that fact that, 
just a while ago, he was right - she did not take care of 
herself).

"Yes, Dad, I ate today.  What about you; did you sleep 
any?"

************************ 

Her usual question to him; he smiled to himself in the dark 
silence that was his living room.  She worried that he 
never slept - somehow she knew that about him........

"Yes, Mom, a few hours.  I do need some milk - meet me at 
the store?"

He could almost hear her smile on the other end.

"Sure, I'll see you there in a few."

He grabbed his thin, worn out jacket, and started for the 
door, trying to ignore the fact that his heart was beating 
quickly and strongly in his chest.  He felt that feeling 
more and more often, and was always surprised by it - he 
had assumed that that part of his life was dead, 
gone.........he slammed the door shut behind him, locked 
it, and dashed for the steps....

************************ 

Several weeks later, Byers came to see her, unannounced.  
She was startled by the unexpected knock at her door, and 
even more startled to see Byers through her peep hole.  He 
waited anxiously as she undid the several locks.

He came in and looked around briefly, trying to suppress a 
grimace at her surroundings, her appearance.  She simply 
looked at him, too tired to even be embarrassed.

"How are you, Dana?" he said, softly.

"I'm fine - I'm glad and surprised to see you here."

He nodded, looking deeply into her eyes, his own filled 
with concern.

"We are worried about you - living here, seeing no one - no 
one except him.  Dana, he is dangerous - we are afraid he 
will hurt you.  Don't let him get too close."

She sighed and sat down on a chair.  He sat opposite her, 
continuing to look at her deeply.

"I know you all are concerned, but it is not like you think 
it is.  We don't talk about the conspiracy at all - he is 
not pumping me for information, as if I had any now that 
would be useful.  We talk about our pasts and go shopping 
together - that is it.  We are not even lovers, Byers.  He 
is just my friend, maybe my only friend right now."

He sighed and shook his head slightly.  "He is no friend of 
yours, Dana.  He still works for them - did you know that?  
You don't need that sort of friend."

She paused for a moment, taking in that information.  She 
knew that he probably hadn't stopped his work entirely, for 
they still held his sister's life.

"Please, stop worrying about me - it is not as bad as you 
think.  We are just friends, nothing more.....I don't share 
any secrets with him - I don't have any anymore, don't you 
know?  I'm know longer involved in that life.......he 
learns nothing from me."

Byers nodded, still looking troubled, but said nothing.  He 
rose to leave.

"Dana, take care of yourself.  We miss you - Frohike has 
been grief-stricken, not seeing you.  Come visit us, will 
you?"

She smiled and shook his hand.  "I will soon - just give me 
a little more time."

He smiled back at her and walked out her door.

She sat in the quiet apartment for several minutes, staring 
thoughtfully into space.  Was she ready to see them?  Was 
she moving past her pain?  She sighed painfully to herself, 
realizing she had no choice - she had a visit to make.

************************ 

The state hospital was an awesome place, a throw-back to 
some long-past Victorian era.  The building was large, 
dark, and imposing, a depressing last stop for the lost and 
forgotten members of society (like me, she thought, then 
quickly dismissed the thought).  She hadn't been here for 
awhile.  Her feet lead her mindlessly through the hallways 
to the locked third floor.  A nurse's station was located 
directly in front of the large locked doors.  She 
approached the stone-faced nurse and told her the name of 
the person she was visiting.  The nurse grunted, looking 
her up and down.  With a painfully overwrought sigh, she 
pulled out her keys and began to unlock the door, motioning 
to a nearby, powerfully built orderly.

"He's in the dayroom - Jeff here will accompany you."

She nodded, knowing that the staff considered Mulder to be 
a potential danger.  She would not be permitted to be alone 
with him.  Oh, well, she had gotten used to that  months 
ago, though it pained her to know that the situation had 
not improved.  She sighed, then followed Jeff's wide back 
through the large doors.

************************ 

The day room was one of the least cheerful places she had 
ever seen.  It contained dark, stained furniture, a large 
radio, and nothing else.  The room was always smoky and 
very loud - the radio blared constantly.  She tried to 
ignore the stench, the noise, the lack of oxygen, whenever 
she came here.  The psych rotation of her medical training 
should have made this easier, but nothing could prepare her 
for the soulless, daily humiliation that was life in the 
state hospital.  She looked at the sad collection of faces 
around her, finally seeing his in a corner of room.  She 
studied it for a second - it was still the face of the man 
she had loved so much, who had been her entire life, and 
yet, it wasn't - his eyes were the only feature that 
betrayed the incredible change that had taken place in him.  
They never seem to focus on anything around him - the 
flitted from side to side, up and down, never staying on 
anything for more than a second.  Their wonderful hazel 
color seemed to have changed, too - they were now a dull 
gray.

She approached him slowly, as always, careful to not 
startle him.  Jeff, the orderly, walked slowly at her side, 
ready to jump if Mulder became aggressive......

"Hey, Mulder, its me." She said quietly, trying to capture 
those wandering eyes.

He looked at her briefly, as he often did - she watched 
anxiously for something, anything, that would tell her that 
he knew who she was, that she was here.  Nothing - his eyes 
refused to focus on her for long, as usual.  He moved his 
head back and forth, rocking his body gently as he did so.  
She sat down next to him, continuing to study him 
carefully.

"Mulder, how are you feeling?  Are you getting enough to 
eat?"

He continued to rock, saying nothing.  She waited for 
something, anything, but of course, nothing was forthcoming 
from him.  Jeff stirred restlessly next to her.

"Listen, he seems pretty calm - I think it would be okay if 
you went back to the desk.  I'll holler if their are any 
problems."

"Cool with me." he said, and left them alone.

Glad that he was gone, she slowly reached out and carefully 
took one of Mulder's hands, holding it between her own.  He 
did not fight her, in fact, his body seemed to relax 
slightly and his rocking slowed.

"Mulder, please, I need you to talk to me......tell me that 
you are okay."

His eyes continued their trek about the room and he 
remained silent.

She moaned slightly to herself, then sat back on the couch 
they shared, content to sit with him holding his hand for a 
while.  At least it is some contact, she 
thought.............they stayed that way for several 
minutes when it came, as it almost always did at some point 
in her visits.  He suddenly shouted her name..

"Scully!  Scully!  Come on, I've got something to show 
you.......!!"

She watched his face carefully, as she always did during 
these moments.  As usual, he was not focused on her at all 
- indeed, he continued to be unaware that she was with him 
at all.  His Scully, the one he called to, existed only in 
his head.....

He smiled.  "Scully, this is going to be 
great............!"

Yes, she thought it would be great, if only I could share 
this moment with you, if only one more time.............she 
continued to watch him, hoping for some small shard of 
recognition, but of course, none came.  He continued to say 
her name, smiling and laughing with the Scully in his mind, 
not seeing the one in the room with him...........

Suddenly, she could take no more.  She gently placed his 
hand down beside him on the couch, and rose to leave.

"Goodbye, Mulder - I miss you so much.  I hope you are 
happy wherever you are."

She left the day room and walked towards the heavy locked 
doors.  As they were opening, she was sure she caught a 
glimpse of Diana Fowley, brushing past her to move down the 
hallway, towards the dayroom...............

************************ 

The train ride home was the same as it always was - a 
journey filled with silent, painful tears.  She was never 
able to fight them off........they came despite her best 
efforts.  Was this time any more difficult than all the 
visits before?  She didn't believe so - she couldn't bring 
herself to admit that she kept hoping that one time those 
eyes would focus on her, with the love and warmth that she 
missed so much.........but it was not meant to be, not this 
time.  The train moved on......

************************ 

She sat in her dark quiet apartment, letting the silence 
wash over her.  Her eyes wandered to her battered coffee 
table, to the Bible laying there where she had left it so 
many months ago - how long had it been since she opened it?  
Years maybe, she wasn't certain.  This part of her life had 
died along with everything else..........She forced herself 
to reach for it, holding it unopened in her hands.  The act 
brought her a new sense of peace.....it was time, she 
thought....time to get back to her Church, her faith, her 
life..........

A thought struck her suddenly - it would have been better 
if he had died, and for one painful moment, she wished it 
were true........she wanted him dead.  The guilt and pain 
hit her hard, then dissipated quickly.  It may have been 
easier, but she had to face the truth....it was time, time 
for change, time to break out of this dark hole.  She 
realized that she really had just said her goodbye to her 
old partner, and to her old life…..it was time.

************************ 

He sat, as he often did, in the dark of his apartment, 
finding no reason to leave.  Even his new friend was no 
where to be found - he sensed that she was visiting her old 
partner, as she did periodically, though with much less 
frequency than in the past.  He was somewhat relieved by 
that - it caused her such grief that it would take days and 
days for her to bounce back.....

His mind drifted aimlessly, finally settling on a picture 
on a table across the room - a picture he tried to avoid 
looking at as much as possible.  This day, feeling more 
lonely than most, he simply couldn't take his eyes from 
it....

************************ 

More than 35 years ago, a scientist couple from the Soviet 
Union had planned and executed a remarkable escape from 
that country, and were spirited to a new, free land by 
friends......both reveled in this new, exciting place, 
settling in to blessedly non-governmental work, free of the 
tyranny from which they had escaped.  They had a son, 
grateful that he was born here and free........

He grew into a remarkable young man, with capabilities to 
do anything he wanted; he chose governmental work, partly 
as a tribute to them - they were such patriots for their 
new country, that he felt it would be an honor to work for 
the very government they had come to love...they had been 
so proud of him, at first.....

************************ 

When had it changed?  Alex remembered that his parents had 
sensed it long before he had - his father in particular had 
become increasingly concerned when his son's assignments 
became more and more secretive, more and more dangerous.  
His father had tried to talk to him about it, reminded his 
son of the dangers of country that put its national 
security and interests above the rights and needs of the 
people, something both he and his mother had witnessed up 
close and personal.........Alex had dismissed his father's 
concerns as those of a cold-war relic - his country would 
never demand that he do something dangerous, illegal - 
never.

But slowly, Alex had become aware that his parents might be 
right.........it had taken him a long time, even years, to 
come to that way of thinking.......by then, he began to 
sense that his family might be in danger.  Not only his 
parents, but his new, much loved younger sister - a child 
born into the twilight of his parent's lives, much to all 
of their delights.  One night, unknown to Alex, his parents 
had done something unimaginable.......they had sent his 
sister away without telling him.  A loose association of 
other cold-war immigrants had stayed in touch in this 
country, and it was to this group that his sister had been 
sent.  Alex had had so little time to spend with his 
parents that he didn't know she was missing for several 
months.  No amount of prodding would convince his parents 
to reveal her whereabouts.  At the time, he had been 
appalled by their actions - surely this was unnecessary!  
His father simply shook his head sadly and said "We'll 
see......." Within months, his parents were held prisoner 
by the very government they had come to love so 
much........and soon were dead, despite everything Alex had 
attempted to do to protect them.

"I'm so sorry Mom and Dad" Alex said to the fading 
photograph of them on the table.  Why hadn't he listened to 
them?  How could he have been so wrong?   How could it have 
gotten so out of control?  He glanced around the room, his 
eyes landing on the gun sitting just out of reach on an old 
newspaper - it hadn't been touched for so long that it had 
a thick layer of dust on it.  He allowed himself to stare 
at it a long time, fighting the urge to pick it up, to 
point it to his head, to end this tremendous pain and guilt 
he felt for letting down his family so..........but as 
always, the image of his sister always stopped him.  He 
owed that to his folks, that she continue to be protected.  
It was the only thing he could do to honor his dead 
parents, the ones whose deaths his own stubbornness had 
caused.  Yes, he had to continue to protect her from the 
those in the government who would hurt her, and from 
himself..........it was necessary.  She was getting older, 
would soon be 18 - she would be more difficult to protect 
as she as she reached the age where she naturally want more 
freedom and independence - something that he was sure was 
what prompted the most recent visit from his cigarette-
smoking friend, a visit that left him, as always, sad and 
drained.......

************************ 

The knock at the door startled him out of a light 
doze......he walked to his door and grimaced, recognizing 
the face through his peephole

"I'm coming in whether you open the door or not." said the 
man, blowing a puff of cigarette smoke.

Alex opened the door........

"What the hell have you gotten yourself into here, Alex?" 
the smoking one smirked, looking about the dark and dank 
apartment.  "This place is pathetic as you are, my dear 
boy."

Alex, struggling to contain his anger and contempt, simply 
grunted in response.

The smoking man moved further into his apartment, never 
losing the sneer off his face.

"We haven't seen much of you lately, Alex, my boy.  Your 
life is remarkably dull .

Alex grunted, but said nothing.

The visitor took in a deep puff and exhailed, watching Alex 
through the cloud of smoke.  With a grimace, he said  "You 
still owe us, Alex……we still hold you in the palm of our 
hands.  Don't think you can form new alliances without our 
permission.  We can still crush the one thing you hold 
dear….don't mess with us!"

Alex watched his face intently, and was startled to see a 
slight bit of panic on his face…what could this mean?  
Slowly, it dawned on him……they didn't know where his sister 
was……she was still safe, for the time being…..but how much 
longer?  Now was the time, the time for him to begin to 
protect her again.

"I don't allow smoking in my place!" he sneered.  He 
grabbed the smoking man around the shoulder and forced him 
to the door…

"Be careful, Alex……..we are watching you!"  the visitor 
hissed as he was shoved into the hallway.

In answer, Alex slammed the door in his face, listening 
with satisfaction as the slam echoed in his almost empty 
apartment.  He stood, angry and anxious, taking in audible 
gasps of breath.  When his breathing slowed, he glanced 
about his place, then headed for the door and slammed it 
behind him.

************************ 

She stared into her closet, not moving at all, just 
staring……..her old work clothes still hung there, beautiful 
but untouched all these many years.  Should she take them?  
Would she ever need such clothing again?  The patients at 
the free clinic certainly didn't care what she wore, and 
now, she didn't either.  Goodwill, she thought, reaching 
towards a suit……..her hand froze in midair as she heard an 
insistent bang at the door.

She looked at his face through her peep-hole, looking 
incredibly animated and remarkably disturbed.

She opened the door and he pushed past her into her dingy 
living room, now piled with boxes, so anxious to talk that 
he never even looked at her…

"Hi.  I've got to tell you about an interesting visit I 
just had, and what I learned from him……he's an old friend 
of ours…."

His voice suddenly trailed off as he took in the site 
around him.  He glanced over at her, searching her face 
with a sudden anxiousness that caused her to catch her 
breath in surprise…

"What is going on here?  What are you doing?  Is there 
something wrong?"

She watched, touched and amused, as he automatically went 
into a readiness stance, prepared to fight off whatever had 
invaded her apartment.

She sat down on an empty space on her couch.  "Don't worry 
– no one is here, there is nothing wrong."

He relaxed, but continued to watch her face……….

She sighed deeply, not wanting to continue this 
conversation.  She realized suddenly that she had not 
thought of him at all, she had simply intended to leave and 
never look back……..but now here he was, looking at her with 
an intensity that she hadn't seen on a male's face since, 
well, since……..

"I've made a decision.  I am leaving the D.C. area for 
good.  There is nothing here for me now, since my mother 
and brother are now living overseas."

He continued to watch her face, not saying a word.

"I have to go – I have to get some sort of life back before 
it is too late for me."

Still staring at her intently, he moved backward and 
dropped into her chair.

Quietly, intensely, he began to speak.  "I know you have to 
go….funny enough, I know now I have to go, too.  The visit 
today from an old friend of ours just confirmed for me what 
I had suspected for sometime.  They don't know where my 
sister is, so they can't hold her life over my head, not 
just yet, anyhow.  In a way, I am free of them, at least 
for a short time.  Free to start something of a life, 
too……..I have to break away too."

He paused and looked briefly away from her…..she was 
shocked to hear in take in an anxious, emotion filled 
breath.

He lifted his face back to hers.  "I want you to come with 
me. You have given me my only glimpse of a real life, the 
life I had before my parents were taken. I'm not ready to 
give that up…… please, come with me."

She found herself staring at him, unable to speak.  Where 
had this come from?  This large, powerful man, who had 
betrayed almost no emotions in the many years she had known 
him, now wearing his heart on his sleeve….what could it 
mean?  She stiffened slightly as it occurred to her that he 
might be slipping back into rat mode, trying to play on her 
emotions to get something from her…..but what?  Surely by 
now, he had to know that she knew nothing any more…..no, 
this was something different….

His eyes narrowed slightly, seeing her mixed emotions cross 
her face.  He smiled faintly.  "I know what you are 
thinking – but I am not after anything.  Not now.  I'm out 
of that life, and I think you know that.  I know for a fact 
that your three conspiracy-loving friends have been 
checking up on me.  I spot them around my place almost 
everyday.  You really must let them know that they do a 
horrible job at surveillance."

She couldn't stop herself from laughing slightly – she 
hadn't known that they were watching him (and doing such a 
bad job of it).  The fact that Byers had not returned to 
her apartment meant that they had nothing to report to 
her…..maybe he was telling the truth……

She stood and looked at him calmly, sadly.  "I have nothing 
to offer you, nothing that I can give to you."

He sat quietly for a time, thinking intently.

"I know where I am going…….come with me."

She smiled at him sadly.  "I don't think I am ready for 
this right now.  Please….I wasn't expecting this.  You have 
to give me some time……"

He rose, and nodded slowly at her.  "I understand.  You 
know where I will be, for a while longer, any way."

He walked towards her, then reached up to her shoulder with 
his good arm and gave it a slight squeeze.  With a sigh, he 
walked out her door.

************************ 

He didn't ask her again to come with him - he sensed that 
if he had, she would have refused.  He simply let her know 
that he was leaving and what his plans were.  She was free 
to come or not.......she chose to come.  Everyday, he was 
grateful.....

************************ 

It was hot and dry here, very harsh.........so empty and 
yet so beautiful.   For a woman who loved the sea, she 
couldn't believe that she could come to love a place so 
devoid of water.  She sat in the hot sun, watching Alex 
move about on their property.......she had come to love 
watching him work with his good arm......

Why here?  She never asked him, and he never volunteered 
the information, but she sensed that they were close to his 
sister, still hidden somewhere out there.  She felt a 
strong affinity for anyone who could keep this information 
so closely guarded........he would keep her secrets just as 
fiercely, she knew........he seemed to respect her need for 
secrets too.  For all they shared, some things remained 
hidden, closed off....such was the nature of both of their 
lives.   She knew they were not out of it.....his sister, 
Mulder's continuing confinement.....they were not free.  
Strangely, this was not the burden that she that she 
expected.....she was finally feeling strong enough to face 
this truth, not hide from it.  It would happen, 
eventually.....she was ready now.  Not because of him, but 
because of herself - she had faced the darkest part of her 
life and had come out it now, stronger, more sane.  It was 
good.......

************************ 

He watched her sitting, noting the slight smile on her 
face.  She looked whole again, strong and beautiful, but 
with something more.....a maturity, a peace that he had 
never expected in her (or himself.....).  He walked over to 
her

"Lets go."

"Where to?"

"Time to see a man about a dog....!"

He had been after her for weeks to get a puppy – he wanted 
a shared responsibility with her……

She laughed and stood, following him to their old pickup.  
He held the door for her, then got in the drivers 
side..........