Gone and Never Was by Rachel Rudd

Title: Gone and Never Was
Author: Rachel Rudd
E-mail:
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Spoilers: A small reference to the Red & Black

Summary: Scully realizes what Mulder feels for her, and you'll have to read to see her reaction. Krycek gives them a tip, sending them to a landing point for he faceless aliens. This is my series of fanfics, so if you want to read the rest, please E-mail me. This is a Skipper series, but that doesn't necessarily mean that Krycek will either dominate or be in every single one. And, if you can figure out the title, you're very clever, *g*. It's a four-parter.

Disclaimer: OK, everything is Chris Carter's, and yadda yadda yadda. Fanfics are perfectly legal, I'm not claiming anything.

Krycek walked around his dreary apartment. Very well kept, hardly anything there, and when he looked outside there was a wonderful view of the smelly harbor. He wore jeans, a tank-top, with a plaid shirt worn loosely over it. He looked towards the small metal table. On it was a small piece of paper. Krycek turned away from it. He appeared indecisive. He looked out to the harbor. He had worked so hard for that information. Now he didn't know what to do with it!

He looked out to the ocean, then went pacing through his apartment. He filled a paper cup with water, drank some, and splashed the rest on himself. Being an ex-assassin and former Consortium Agent certainly didn't give him unlimited access. He plopped down onto his cot. Mulder would kill for what he had on that table.

He chuckled. He had all the information, Mulder had nothing. And, yet, Mulder thought he could actually win. He thought he could actually fight, all not knowing the whole truth. But, then Mulder had alot of help. His selfless partner for one. There were his contacts in Congress, and others that sympathized with him. But, the information and Krycek's abilities did more than even the odds.

So, he decided to give it to Mulder. Krycek wasn't willing to work with him, but Hell. It wouldn't hurt to have people who were at least fighting on his side. He wouldn't deliver it to Mulder, though. The last thing he wanted right now was to get shot or noticed. Nope, he'd deliver it to Scully, besides he needed to talk to her. 'I'll do it tomorrow tonight,' he thought. He went back to the window. He looked out to the sea, and two gulls flew by.

Scully eyed two gulls as they flew over the harbor. Mulder was chewing out the poor detective's butt. Apparently, Mulder didn't get the answers he wanted from this case. Mulder couldn't stand it when someone proved him wrong. Scully felt contempt rise in her throat. She had gotten over her care for Mulder a long time ago.

But, he was her only choice. She didn't want a transfer she didn't want to be a doctor. She had made it clear that she wanted to see the fight for earth out to its bitter, bitter end. If it was bitter. She just wished their was another way to fight, on her terms, by her own means. And, she wished that she didn't have to do it with Mulder's attitude. Though, she at least still cared for him as a friend.

The gulls landed near Mulder's car. They actually looked like graceful birds instead of flying garbage cans. She smiled at the thought of her Uncle. She looked at them closely, then Mulder chased them away. Scully frowned at him for breaking the serene moment. Not that he noticed.

"C'mon Scully, we're going back to Washington." he arrogantly announced. She opened her mouth to answer, but he was already getting into the car and starting it up. She sighed with exasperation and then got into the passenger's seat. As she always had to.

They drove back to the motel, packed up their things, and were on their way to the airport. On the airplane Mulder was going on and on about how disappointed he was in the work.

"Oh," she said, "So, I'm just supposed to take an interest in everything you do and behave like a yes-man?"

Scully glared, "Well, Mulder, with everything that's at stake I do find it hard to take interest in petty affairs. And, I did do several autopsies for you on this trip!"

"Just because we're on the brink of apocalypse, doesn't mean we can't stop showing personal interest in the X-Files." he replied. Scully smiled sadly at the stupid remark, then she simply left her seat.

When, the plane landed, she thanked St. Christopher for the first time. Gosh, did she really want to get away from Mulder that much? Well, right now, that was true. She grabbed her baggage, and went straight home. That night she slept soundly.

That morning when she headed for work, she felt as if she was dreading it. This was the third time she had felt that. Why? She knew the answer, but decided to remain willfully ignorant.

When she entered the office, Mulder was looking through some recent files. He searched eagerly, trying to find something paranormal, something unusual, anything! Scully went over to her desk. She had finally got one. But, her name still wasn't on the door. She had already given up on that. She began to make the final estimate that their trip had cost. Mulder continued searching for a case.

"Nothing, except this," he said, as slammed a file to the desk. Scully picked it up and looked at it.

"It's a stigmatic," she said, getting interested. This being one of the mysteries she believed.

"But," said Scully patiently, "there are different kinds of stigmatics, Padre Pio, Catherine of Siena…" Mulder laughed while she was talking.

"Yeah," he said while taking the file from her, "Just like there are different kinds of vampires, right?" Scully winced at what he said and went back to her desk.

Scully was eating her lunch, when Mulder came up and dropped his tray next to hers. A bit of mashed potatoes splashed onto her suit. Without apologizing, Mulder sat down and began to eat. Scully wiped her sleeve off with with a napkin.

"No reason, you could pick up some Chinese on your way." he said smiling. Scully inwardly groaned, but accepted.

Scully got back home, and dropped to the couch heavily. She looked at the clock and groaned. She used all her strength to get back up, and go get the Chinese. As she drove to Mulder's house, she couldn't stop thinking about Moby Dick. "He tasks me, he tasks," she could hear Ahab saying. Mulder was becoming more and more like the annoying White Whale, than the Ahab she knew. She stopped the car and sighed.

"No, he's still the same. I've changed I want a real relationship, with someone I love. I can't live off this annoyance. It's making me push him away." She got out of the car and went up to his apartment.
42.

"Hey, Scully!" he said taking the bag from her and setting it on the coffee table. He put away a few magazines and turned on a red light. The whole living area was red. Scully sat down next to him, and they commenced in eating their food. Along the line, Mulder got closer and closer. After they were finished Scully said, "I have to go now, Mulder." she got up, but he grabbed her arm. So, she sat back down.

Mulder pressed Scully onto the couch, and began to violently kiss her. Scully was so surprised she took a few more seconds to think. When, his mouth went over hers, she suddenly found a profound feeling in her stomach. She knew exactly how far he was going to go. She braced her hands against him and pushed him back with all her strength. He wasn't ready for that, so she was able to get off the couch and to the opposite of the room. Her clothes were ruffled, blazer unbuttoned, but her hair went back to its original shape. She stood there glaring at Mulder.

"What is it Scully?" Mulder asked, almost impatiently. Scully felt profound disgust, and confusion rising simultaneously in her throat. While he kissed her, she noticed no love in his eyes. Just a physical craving and attraction, that was something she had never wanted, she knew how he saw her now. But, she could not determine how she saw him. She could only feel her gut reactions. So, he had finally decided to do this, since he had nothing else better to do with the cases. Well, that made her sick.

"Mulder, I wasn't willing to do that, I told you beforehand, 'no!' " she replied angrily.

"Mulder we're partners!" she said loudly, knowing how the bureau would feel. Mulder made a 'yeah right look.'

"Scully, I know you don't care about what they say. What is it?" She was involuntarily fingering her cross, while she looked away from him.

He laughed mockingly. "Oh, so it's a religious thing!" he said in a sarcastic, sneering voice. Disgust, and anger boiled up into Scully's mouth, and in a split second, she realized everything.

Ever since she had come into the contact with Kevin Kryder, a child stigmatic, she had began to rebuild her lapsed Catholic faith. Mulder's mocking behavior, she first ignored. But, it didn't go away. Mulder was completely non-supportive. And, when the most important things had happened in her life, she wasn't able to share it with him. Now, he wasn't only mocking her faith, but mocking her. His eyes and that comment told her, that he didn't respect her feelings, but sought to satisfy his own. It was too much.

She left the apartment, knocking over those hideous magazines as she left. Mulder followed her out into the hall. Spontaneously, Scully pulled out her gun, pointed it at his head, and said "DON'T FOLLOW ME, MULDER!" her voice was loud and angry, coated with disappointment. Out of shock he stopped. Her eyes told him everything. She went into the elevator and left the building.

When she got home, she felt like she hated Mulder. She never wanted to see him again. She never knew she would feel this way about him. She had always thought that even if she ever had lost her care for him so quickly. But, she had. But, then it was hard to miss something, that was always gone. She popped in a CD her mom had given her. "Katie McMahon." She barely heard the first song, she had involuntarily started to silently cry. But, the second song intrigued her. It had no music to it. It was about a young woman's love who is about to be hung, until she rides up on a horse and stops it from happening. There was one line that seemed to stick out at her, "…and after a false love, there comes a true love." It seemed to speak to her. As the tears rolled down her cheeks, the song ended. She stopped the CD, and sat back into the couch. How long she sat there, she couldn't tell, it seemed like hours and hours.

Well, it must have been, because now it had become dark. She got up and ate a bagel. She started the CD again. She fell half-asleep. But, she soon roused herself out of it and got up. She nearly screamed in surprise when she saw Krycek standing there. She felt do disgust or hate. In fact, she never had. What did she have to hate him for? Because, Mulder hated him? No. Whether he killed Mulder's dad or not was never proven. Yet, on instinct, she reached for her gun. He grabbed her wrist.

"About what?" she said, finally wrenching her hand free from his grasp. She then decided the gun was unnecessary.

Seeing she wasn't going to try to get the gun again, he walked around while saying, "It's really information for Mulder, but every time I go to him he tries to kill me." Scully agreed with that. It could be really annoying and childish the way Mulder would always attack Krycek.

Krycek continued, "Tomorrow night, tell him to head to this coordinates, and he'll get what he wants." He started to hand her an envelope. She reached for it, when suddenly, Mulder came in. Mulder saw him about to hand Scully something, so he decided, that there was nothing going on between them. But, anyway, he lunged for Krycek. Scully was about to brace herself against Mulder, but Krycek had already drove his right fist deep into Mulder's stomach. With a few more punches, Mulder was on the floor, gasping for breath.

Scully stood there in shock. In all the time she'd known him, she had never seen Krycek beat up Mulder. Why now? Krycek explained by saying, "I've been holding that back for a long time Mulder, but I have no reason to put up with your tantrums anymore. I've given your partner some information you'll want. Good Bye." He swiftly left. Mulder slowly and painfully got up. He laid back into Scully's couch. He winced and said lowly, "What did he give you?" Scully handed him the envelope.

He took it and read, by the time he was finished his eyes were bulging with excitement. He jumped up and said, "Scully, we got to get to New Mexico, now! Tomorrow night is the night!" He went right out the room, completely forgetting what it was that he had come to talk to Scully about. Scully went to her room, deciding to go to bed, before doing anything. 'Alright,' she said to herself, ' this is the last time I go somewhere with Mulder. This must be really important to him to make him forget what happened, today.' With that decision made, she went to sleep.

Mulder stuck his head out the window and quickly brought it back in. He could barely concentrate. Scully rested her head on her hand. She never thought that a shallow man would be so hard to figure out. She took her gaze away from him and stared out the window. It felt like her life, nothing but following him. But, that would have to change. She smiled reassured. Mulder wouldn't care too much after this big excitement. Hopefully.

It was late at night by the time they reached their destination. The complete middle of nowhere. Mulder was out of the car in a flash. Scully sighed and got out of the car. It was pitch dark without the moon, so the stars were evident. Mulder was excitedly looking around the sky, waiting. Scully leaned against the car and looked his way. She decided, 'It's time.'

She walked up to him and was about to start talking to him, when black cars pulled up. The Smoking Man got out with them. The men pulled out guns and pointed them to Mulder and Scully. Just then, a bright light appeared overhead. The faceless aliens came out, and with them was Samantha! Mulder walked towards them. Samantha eagerly said, "Fox, this is it! This is what you wanted, come with me, mom's here. Come with us!" If Mulder had thought about Scully or looked back at her, Scully didn't know. There was a bright flash, and they were all gone.

Scully gazed at the sky with surprise and wonder, but that all quickly left when she felt the guns being pressed against her head. 'Thanks Mulder.' she thought tiredly.

They gestured towards one of the cars, and Scully slowly walked obediently. Scully stood before the Smoking Man. Gosh, did she feel nervous. She clutched her hands into fists every once in awhile.

He finally said, "Procedure number 3." The agents took her away. After being given a cell uniform, she was sent to a small, dank cell. She stood there, feeling around her neck. The cross was gone. Then she heard a strange voice on the com, "You have been sentenced to Procedure 3. You will be beaten, and counseled until you are ready to renounce your beliefs and work for the Syndicate. If not, you will be disposed of. You are being given two weeks."

With that four men entered with small wooden clubs. They struck her mercilessly, and when she finally got hit in the head, she had a concussion and fell to the floor, watching her blood spread onto the floor. They left as they had come. She struggled to breathe.

Then Cancer Man entered. "This is the way it's going to be Agent Scully, you've been a threat for too long. Now, you're the only threat, besides another." he said darkly. "Now be intelligent, and come to our terms." He left. Suddenly a tape started to play, "Renounce your scientific training, we control science. Renounce the agencies, we control them. Renounce any spiritual beliefs, for there are none. Give yourself up to the Syndicate."

The sound played over and over again. For hours and hours that monotonous voice repeated the message over and over. She plugged her ears, it didn't go away. The four men entered again, it was the second day. She got her second beating, it was worst than the first. She fell to the floor gasping, couching, the ceiling whirling around her, as she slipped away. Then the sound started again. The third day came and the forth. Hunger plagued her, and the beatings and the voice became worse and worse. The small space of the cell was maddening. A puddle of her blood was on the floor.

She dipped her finger into it and drew crosses all over the walls with it. On the sixth day, Cancer Man came in. He looked around, partially laughed and said,

"We're not vampires you know. But, I can see you're not giving in. Well, that answers my question." Then the four men entered.

On the seventh day, Scully huddled in a corner, emersed in pain after the seventh beating. She plugged her ears trying to drown out the noise. But, it made its way in. Her eyes were squinted shut, so she wouldn't see all her blood, precious life-giving blood on the floor. She didn't want to see the ugly cell either. But, the pain and the voice was driving her mad. It seemed every second the voice became faster and faster Her mind automatically tried to follow. It seemed like all was closing in on her, she couldn't take anymore. Tears began to stream out of her eyes. She threw her head back and screamed. An unearthly, bloodcurdling scream it was. Her vocal cords became sore from it. She screamed with all the strength, angst, rage, and pain in her body. And, people heard it. Rookies dropped what they were holding in fear. Professionals were a bit startled and disturbed. And, Cigarette smoking man calmly took a long puff.

Scully lay on the slimy, cold floor. Her chest moving rapidly up and down as she tried desperately to breathe. They had been careful not to break her bones, or do any permanent damage. She looked at the crosses around her. They were spinning. She sort of laughed at this that is, before she threw up. The interrogations were getting heated. Tongue twisters, mind benders, ect. galore. She knew what people had gone through under Communist Persecution now. She was anomalistically hungry. And, right now she was throwing up more than what she had in her stomach. She dropped to the floor. Sweating, and feeling very sick. Her head felt like it was going to explode it was throbbing so hard. Tears rolled down her cheeks, totally clotted with blood. Her voice was squeaky from screaming. Her mind in confusion. Could she feel any worse? Yes, she could. In came CSM. He puffed happily at his cigarette.

She struggled with all her strength to hide in a corner. "You know," he said calmly, "you've been here, only for 9 days. But, my patience doesn't last that long. Are you ready for your confession?" She didn't answer. A man stepped forward and kicked her in the stomach. She partially screamed and began coughing up something. Blood?

"You may leave now." Cancer Man said to the brute. He snuffed out his cigarette. Scully looked up at him and a look of great disgust came over her face, "If I could, I would spit on you." she whispered painfully and vehemently.

Cancer Man seemed amused, "Oh that's right. You haven't drunken or eaten anything since you came here." He knocked a pattern on the door. A small glass of water was put before her, and a sandwich was thrown at her.

She drank the water, immediately. The sandwich she was about to quickly put in her mouth, when she looked at Cigarette Man. He was smiling. Putting food before her like an animal, and of course, he was expecting her to greedily eat it. Hunger shook her body. But, even now, something let her think. If she ate this, even graciously, her hunger up till then would be pretty much wasted. She scowled at the sandwich and then threw with all her might at him. She gasped at the pain it caused her and quickly reduced herself to a ball. CSM stood there, stunned. She smiled painfully and said, "No, you won't get even that much out of me. Give it to your dog. I'm not one." He ignored the incident quickly and said, "Are you ready to sign the confession?" Scully looked at the blood-covered, crumpled piece of paper she had tossed into the corner. Then she looked at the old man.

"Why is it important that I renounce Catholicism?" she asked. "Because," he said, "It is a lie, like science, like truth. All have holes, they can't explain anything, and are completely subjective." Scully let her head fall back. She didn't know how many times they had been driving that into her brain, or at least trying to.

"THE REASON!" she said suddenly screaming, "Is because, you won't to kill my mind, to take away everything that is me, and make me into a voluntary drone. But, to cast me adrift, you have to destroy the rocks that I cling to, don't you? Science, truth, and God. And, truth can be perverted, even science can be perverted, but the Church is unchanging, and is a very strong rock, isn't it? A very difficult one to destroy, so you first try to used science against it, and then say that's science is wrong? A very vicious, contadictory circle, here. NO! No, I won't let go of the rocks."

With nothing more to say, CSM left. The darkness enveloped her, as she lay on the floor gasping for breathing and wincing at the pain that outburst had cost her. The radio was turned on again, and she huddled in the corner, and plugged her ears. Scully felt like she was dying. How long had this lasted? Then CSM came into the room, he held her gold cross, dangling from his fingers.

"Do you think you can still reach for it? Do so." Scully looked up at the cross as it hung a million miles in the sky, and her heart sank. She struggled to get out of the ball she was in. She tried to reach out her hand, but it was too far away. She made several attempts to stand. All of them failed. She looked up at it one last time. She slowly stood up and took the cross out of his hands. Then, she collapsed on the floor.

Cigarette Man looked distressed. He walked out of the room, and said to a young man, "Do it, give her the interjection. The young man nodded and took out a shot. He was walking into her cell, when another man, knocked him unconscious. The other man then walked into the room, we see only his boots. He bent down and gave her his own shot. She was murmuring, "Father in Heaven, deliver us from darkness, and make our skies clear. If we must die, let us die in the light." Then she fell asleep.

The man lifted her up, but her cross fell down the sewage vent. He didn't notice it, though. He carried her out of the hall into another room, where her clothes, gun, badge, and belongings were kept. He laid her on a table, and then he stood up straight. It was Alex Krycek

It has been 8 years since I started working with Agent Mulder on the X-Files. I grew close to him. I was given hardships to bear they made me stronger. They tested me. I thought I had undergone the maximum of tortures. My abduction, the cases, the loss of my sister Melissa, and even Mulder, sometimes. My mind, body, and heart have been strung up to the limits. But, never this bad, never this much, and never all at the same time. My soul, however was strengthened. But, what I have undergone, goes beyond the physical. Mulder's gone. By supporting him, I had found strength, now he has what he always searched for. And, I am lost. I have been rescued, by who I do not know. I became fully convinced that these people were void, as my friend Penny said, of human compassion. Well, maybe that's part of their plan, too. After all, there's something more to this implant, then the cancer. I feel like I'm falling into an abyss. Maybe I am. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I'm on the little row boat, and the rope is snapping. My body will recover, but can I? Everything is now crashing down, can I bear it back up? Maybe death will now be welcomed. Maybe Starbuck should've shot himself, when he couldn't shoot Ahab.

Scully is lying, in all her clothes and coat, she's wet. And she has bruises, cuts, scrapes all over her face. But, that's been cleaned, she's been cleaned. She lies there, as someone is watching her from an abandoned building.

A police car drives up to where Scully is lying. The person who watched her turns and goes away when he sees the police. Scully wakes up in a hospital, her mother is there. "Oh, Dana!" she says, kissing her daughter's hand, "I'm so glad to have you back, we didn't know where you were, what happened?" Scully can't answer. She painstakingly smiles, but drifts off to sleep again. As soon as her mother leaves, Scully gets out of bed.

She gets her clothes on. The person who rescued her had also returned her gun. She smiled bitterly as she put everything back on. She crept out of the hospital that night without any trouble. Good thing, she probably would've shot them without hesitation. She walked until dawn, when she arrived at the graveyard containing Melissa's, Emily's, and her father's graves. It was slightly raining.

Scully stood there, soaked. Her now red eyes, just brimming with tears. She fell on her knees without moving her arms, like a drone. She felt so emptied. Mud sank into her pants, she didn't care. She placed her hands on both tombstones. She cast her face to the heavens, she opened her mouth to scream. But, nothing came out, her chest throbbed in silent sobs, as her head sank to the ground.

Her mind raced. Where could she go? She needed to go somewhere! Oh gosh, how could she go on? This was too much angst to bear. She looked up, and saw the church's steeple.

Scully stumbled into the church. It wasn't Saturday, so the priest wouldn't be here for confessions, and it was too early for weekly mass. She stumbled up to the tabernacle and fell before it. She got up on her knees, her hands like that of the girls who were angels. Sobbing hysterically she looked at the tabernacle and said, "How long? How long? God, I can't last this long. I don't know what to do. Everything is coming down. Oh, it's crushing me! I…I…" she was gasping for breath between words, "Help me, help me…" she fell to the floor. Crying.

She suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked at the hem of the man's pants they were black. "Oh," she said quietly, "I'm sorry, Father…" she gasped. It was a priest, but it was a dead priest. To be exact, Father Gregory. "Be calm Dana, I've been sent to you." Scully turned to the floor again. Father Gregory placed his hand at the back of her neck and said, "These things must be forgotten. It's the only way to go forward. You've lost your best friend, and what you believe, your cause in life." Her face wrinkled and cried. "I have, I have, what can I do?"

"Leave", said Father Gregory, "Your destiny is much greater than mine was, shall I have died in vain? No, the girls are safe, but I was also meant to be a witness to you. Leave now, and this time, know who saved you before from your cancer, and know who is saving you from your own destruction." Then he was gone.

Scully got up and drearily walked towards the exit to the church. As soon as she stepped out she saw that the sun had risen. A soft breeze greeted her. Her hair and clothes were dry. She reached to the back of her neck the implant was gone! In its place was her gold cross. She touched her face. All the bruises and cuts were gone. Her heart felt lighter, and everything that had happened, seemed billions of years ago. She smiled brightly, and run down back to her apartment, shouting the entire way.